When you are grounded, stress disappears. Stress is hoping it will rain tomorrow, when you have no control it will rain.
Stress is trying to do things, beyond your control. Stress disappears when you understand how things are. If you know it takes 12 hours for the tide to come in, there is no need to be stressed about it. But if you want it to come in 3 hours, you will be stessed some.
What creates stress for me? Can you understand the birth of stress?
How can you undo the stress? Can you live a stress-free life?
Investigate how you can free yourself from stress.
It all comes down to control. I think I like control. I think I have this illusion that I have control over some areas of my life... When, if I actually think about it, there is very little I can actually control. Furthermore, can I effect any change by getting stressed out or worried about something? No.
So why do I do it to myself?
And how can I live a stress free life? I think the answer lies in letting go. In surrender. And I know those things, in my life at least, need work.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Day 60: Are you an existential person?
An existential person is in touch with what is.
I think I am in touch with what reality really is. At the same time there is a healthy dose of romanticism, optimism, and faith.
I think it's a good balance.
Unless the question is really getting at some larger reality, a deeper reality, a mode of being that most of us don't normally engage in-or aren't normally aware of... I'll have to think about this.
I think I am in touch with what reality really is. At the same time there is a healthy dose of romanticism, optimism, and faith.
I think it's a good balance.
Unless the question is really getting at some larger reality, a deeper reality, a mode of being that most of us don't normally engage in-or aren't normally aware of... I'll have to think about this.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Day 59: Adventuring
To live in adventure, one must be creative. Adventure is moving into the unknown. Have you lived your life as an adventure or have you made your life a safe abode?
My life is an adventure. I don't think I've made many "safe" choices in my life. It's just not part of who I am. If there is a chance to risk, discover, explore, adventure, I AM IN!
My life is an adventure. I don't think I've made many "safe" choices in my life. It's just not part of who I am. If there is a chance to risk, discover, explore, adventure, I AM IN!
Day 58: Become Creative
How creative are you in regards to your life? It's the style of your life? Are you living creatively. To be creative, to live creatively mean to be new and to recognize that you are a creator, you have the potential to create your life?
What kind of life have you created?
Have you lived creatively?
How much more creative can you live?
This is an interesting idea. In my mind it links up to this idea in Christianity that Paul (i think) talked about: we are co-creators with Christ/God. While we may not be able to speak things into being.... we can via our thoughts and actions. I mean, what is there that humans have made that wasn't a thought, a creative impulse, an idea frist?
And if we can invent things like electricity, the internet, space shuttles, and so on, are there really any limits on what we can create?
Whose to say we can't create a world without poverty, without war, without such a disbalance between the rich and the poor... All optomistic ideology aside, even in my life are there really limits to the kind of life I can create for myself? For those around me...
What kind of life have you created?
Have you lived creatively?
How much more creative can you live?
This is an interesting idea. In my mind it links up to this idea in Christianity that Paul (i think) talked about: we are co-creators with Christ/God. While we may not be able to speak things into being.... we can via our thoughts and actions. I mean, what is there that humans have made that wasn't a thought, a creative impulse, an idea frist?
And if we can invent things like electricity, the internet, space shuttles, and so on, are there really any limits on what we can create?
Whose to say we can't create a world without poverty, without war, without such a disbalance between the rich and the poor... All optomistic ideology aside, even in my life are there really limits to the kind of life I can create for myself? For those around me...
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Day 57: What is the content of your consciousness?
Be mindful of what you are resting the light of your consciousness on. If you are bring light to the miserable parts, you may be missing out on all the beautiful...
Where does your consciousness dwell, because what you are conscious of IS (becomes) your reality?
Choose the content of your consciousness deliberately.
I wish I could say that my thoughts focus on whatever is good, right, true, praiseworthy, excellent... etc. But that is not always the case. Maybe not even often the case, but I am trying.
There's a pop culture movement or saying which basically goes along the lines of "change your thoughts--change your life," and although sometimes this stretches into things like "if you visualize money and success you will get it..." I think, generally it makes sense.
Not because if I think about a big house one will come to me. But if I, instead of focusing on my lack, focus on what I have then my life seems (and is) richer and better for it. The funny thing about this kind of thinking, is that nothing really changes at all, in terms of the circumstances of life. But because our thoughts shape our feelings, we feel better, and so we are better.
I get these "Notes from the Universe" every day. You can sign up to have them emailed to you. Yesterday, this is the note I got:
If suddenly and without warning, Seana, you had absolutely nothing to worry about, do you know what the world would begin to look like?
Un-huh, exactly the same as it does right now.
Alright, if suddenly you had absolutely nothing to be afraid of, do you know what you'd begin to look like right now?
Yeah, cool as ever.
OK, OK. If suddenly you had absolutely no expectations to live up to and no one to disappoint, do you know how free you'd suddenly be?
Yeah, same, same. Get it?
The only thing that would really change is your thoughts. And you don't need circumstances or other people to help you with that, do you?
I say it's time to blow the lid off this popsicle stand
- The Universe
I think it's quite fitting.
Where does your consciousness dwell, because what you are conscious of IS (becomes) your reality?
Choose the content of your consciousness deliberately.
I wish I could say that my thoughts focus on whatever is good, right, true, praiseworthy, excellent... etc. But that is not always the case. Maybe not even often the case, but I am trying.
There's a pop culture movement or saying which basically goes along the lines of "change your thoughts--change your life," and although sometimes this stretches into things like "if you visualize money and success you will get it..." I think, generally it makes sense.
Not because if I think about a big house one will come to me. But if I, instead of focusing on my lack, focus on what I have then my life seems (and is) richer and better for it. The funny thing about this kind of thinking, is that nothing really changes at all, in terms of the circumstances of life. But because our thoughts shape our feelings, we feel better, and so we are better.
I get these "Notes from the Universe" every day. You can sign up to have them emailed to you. Yesterday, this is the note I got:
If suddenly and without warning, Seana, you had absolutely nothing to worry about, do you know what the world would begin to look like?
Un-huh, exactly the same as it does right now.
Alright, if suddenly you had absolutely nothing to be afraid of, do you know what you'd begin to look like right now?
Yeah, cool as ever.
OK, OK. If suddenly you had absolutely no expectations to live up to and no one to disappoint, do you know how free you'd suddenly be?
Yeah, same, same. Get it?
The only thing that would really change is your thoughts. And you don't need circumstances or other people to help you with that, do you?
I say it's time to blow the lid off this popsicle stand
- The Universe
I think it's quite fitting.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Day 56: Remain Empty
Try to be empty. Try to sit in silence. Try to rest. Just be. For the whole day.
Yah. This is pretty much impossible for me. He says: "I tell you that is the greatest healing that can happen... almost all your diseases are healed when you rest."
Right. I'm working on this whole meditation and stillness thing. I know it's restorative/rejuvinating/healing... I know I haven't "tapped into" the potential of it all yet.
It's a work in progress.
Yah. This is pretty much impossible for me. He says: "I tell you that is the greatest healing that can happen... almost all your diseases are healed when you rest."
Right. I'm working on this whole meditation and stillness thing. I know it's restorative/rejuvinating/healing... I know I haven't "tapped into" the potential of it all yet.
It's a work in progress.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Day 55: A Meditation Prayer
Everyone needs some guidance. But in order to be guided, you must recognize how you are lost.
So meditate on how you are lost, all you don't understand... then put for a prayer that you would be guided.
Ask for guidance, ask for help, as for your own rescue, as for your own upliftment.
So meditate on how you are lost, all you don't understand... then put for a prayer that you would be guided.
Ask for guidance, ask for help, as for your own rescue, as for your own upliftment.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Day 54: Life is Pure Experience
We don't live in pure experience, we get entangled in it.
To live in experience one must simply sit and be, without interpreting it or disturbing it.
This is essentially what meditation is.
How many times have you heard people say things like: "Wow it's so beautiful here, I've got to come back some day." It's almost as if they don't even realize they already ARE there. I think I live my life like that too often. Because where ever I am, I am thinking about what I need to do next, where I need to go next, instead of just being.
I managed to get into the being-mode on vacation. Because there really was not schedule, nothing you SHOULD be doing... But, otherwise, it's pretty hard.
That's why I'm working on meditation, on being mindful... being aware of the present. Because, that's really all we have. I can get so worried about the future, paying bills, treatments, making ends meet, researching new options, that before you know it, you aren't really living your life, not with any kind of appreciative awareness. Yes, I am still alive, I am surviving, but am I enjoying life? Taking time for the little things? Smelling the flowers?
It's something I am constantly trying to keep in mind.
'
To live in experience one must simply sit and be, without interpreting it or disturbing it.
This is essentially what meditation is.
How many times have you heard people say things like: "Wow it's so beautiful here, I've got to come back some day." It's almost as if they don't even realize they already ARE there. I think I live my life like that too often. Because where ever I am, I am thinking about what I need to do next, where I need to go next, instead of just being.
I managed to get into the being-mode on vacation. Because there really was not schedule, nothing you SHOULD be doing... But, otherwise, it's pretty hard.
That's why I'm working on meditation, on being mindful... being aware of the present. Because, that's really all we have. I can get so worried about the future, paying bills, treatments, making ends meet, researching new options, that before you know it, you aren't really living your life, not with any kind of appreciative awareness. Yes, I am still alive, I am surviving, but am I enjoying life? Taking time for the little things? Smelling the flowers?
It's something I am constantly trying to keep in mind.
'
Day 53: Find your Meditation
Meditation is the state that one comes to when one has exhausted giving.
If you have not given, or spent your energy, so you are not restless, you can be silent and tranquil.
Meditation is resting to collect engergy, and then sharing it.
It's like a circle. I find meditation really hard. Maybe it's because I have energy to spare, although it doesn't feel that way most of the time. My mind is just a jumble of thoughts and being still and quieting my mind is so very difficult. So.Very.Difficult.
I have been reading about meditation and cancer. It was in a book, the the essentials are summarized here: http://www.lightparty.com/Health/Meditation.html
I really want to learn how to meditate.
If you have not given, or spent your energy, so you are not restless, you can be silent and tranquil.
Meditation is resting to collect engergy, and then sharing it.
It's like a circle. I find meditation really hard. Maybe it's because I have energy to spare, although it doesn't feel that way most of the time. My mind is just a jumble of thoughts and being still and quieting my mind is so very difficult. So.Very.Difficult.
I have been reading about meditation and cancer. It was in a book, the the essentials are summarized here: http://www.lightparty.com/Health/Meditation.html
I really want to learn how to meditate.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Day 52: Explore what it means to give/share?
Misery is born out of miserly-ness. Life begins when you start sharing.
What is giving? What is sharing?
If you look at nature it gives, it flows. It takes to give.
For me, most things in life are better shared. Most things are better when we give ourselves fully to the experience. Even in relationship, the more you risk, the more you share and give of yourselves, the deeper and richer it can be. When you hold back, when you hide, when you cower out of fear of getting hurt if you are too vulnerable, it chokes the richness out, it begins a severing.
He talks about nature and how it is always giving. But it takes to give. For example, it takes nutrients from the soil to grow and provide fruit or shade etc.
And I think there is a degree of reciprocity that is required in order for sharing to be at it's best. I mean if you give and give and give, and no one ever gives to you, you burn out or get bitter or feel slighted. However, when, for example, two people are sharing and giving and both are soaring to new highs on how they can give of themselves to the other things flow back and forth.
It's like a circle, it doesn't being or end anymore, it just continues to flow back and forth.
What is giving? What is sharing?
If you look at nature it gives, it flows. It takes to give.
For me, most things in life are better shared. Most things are better when we give ourselves fully to the experience. Even in relationship, the more you risk, the more you share and give of yourselves, the deeper and richer it can be. When you hold back, when you hide, when you cower out of fear of getting hurt if you are too vulnerable, it chokes the richness out, it begins a severing.
He talks about nature and how it is always giving. But it takes to give. For example, it takes nutrients from the soil to grow and provide fruit or shade etc.
And I think there is a degree of reciprocity that is required in order for sharing to be at it's best. I mean if you give and give and give, and no one ever gives to you, you burn out or get bitter or feel slighted. However, when, for example, two people are sharing and giving and both are soaring to new highs on how they can give of themselves to the other things flow back and forth.
It's like a circle, it doesn't being or end anymore, it just continues to flow back and forth.
Day 51: Consider... The best of you is actually there for the rest of mankind
If you have a gift, like brains, art, music, whatever, can you see that that gift is not just for you, but to be shared with the rest of mankind?
If you can accept that, you cannot hold back....
Vincent and I have talked a lot about this. How, what we have, what we create, should be shared. For example, what's the point (in a way) of making, recording, composing, music... If no one ever hears it?
And, perhaps, there is something to the idea that once you accept that what you've been given (blessed with?) is not just for you BUT for you to pass along, for you to give to others (for you to bless others with); maybe that's where creativity really starts to flow. Maybe that's when these "gifts" (and we ourselves) find there place in the world.
If you can accept that, you cannot hold back....
Vincent and I have talked a lot about this. How, what we have, what we create, should be shared. For example, what's the point (in a way) of making, recording, composing, music... If no one ever hears it?
And, perhaps, there is something to the idea that once you accept that what you've been given (blessed with?) is not just for you BUT for you to pass along, for you to give to others (for you to bless others with); maybe that's where creativity really starts to flow. Maybe that's when these "gifts" (and we ourselves) find there place in the world.
Day 50: You are the rest of mankind
Can you see yourself as the rest of mankind? That much demand is imposed on you? That much honor and grandness? However you are represents the whole of humanity.
See yourself as the one who has taken responsibility for shaping humanity, by you shaping you.
Powerful. Imagine, by my actions, responses, values, virtues, attitudes, and so on, I could direct and shape the future of mankind.
It seems so grandiose. But, as I think about it, we all actually do have this power. It's daunting. My best intentions tend to shrivel under notions like: what kind of difference can I REALLY make? I'm just one person after all. And sometimes, these musing take the a dark turn into: why should I be the one to uphold some higher moral standard? If no one else is doing it, what's the point? And: My life would be easier if I just coast along like every one else.
I know, and I think we all do--on some level, that we are shaping, re-shaping, creating, and re-creating our world. Living with that awareness makes me live differently, makes me feel responsible.
Anger is not an option, hatred is not an option, lies are not an option, cheating is not an option.
Love wins.
See yourself as the one who has taken responsibility for shaping humanity, by you shaping you.
Powerful. Imagine, by my actions, responses, values, virtues, attitudes, and so on, I could direct and shape the future of mankind.
It seems so grandiose. But, as I think about it, we all actually do have this power. It's daunting. My best intentions tend to shrivel under notions like: what kind of difference can I REALLY make? I'm just one person after all. And sometimes, these musing take the a dark turn into: why should I be the one to uphold some higher moral standard? If no one else is doing it, what's the point? And: My life would be easier if I just coast along like every one else.
I know, and I think we all do--on some level, that we are shaping, re-shaping, creating, and re-creating our world. Living with that awareness makes me live differently, makes me feel responsible.
Anger is not an option, hatred is not an option, lies are not an option, cheating is not an option.
Love wins.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Day 49: Nirvan technique
Nirvan means to be naked. Find a space 3 or 4 times today and be naked (undefended) to your own possibilities.
The possibilities for me are endless. Endless. If I can get over the prognosis... If I can learn to live regardless of my physical illness...
I'm inspired by the biological scientist Stephen Jay Gould who was diagnosed with a rare cancer that had a median survival of 8 months. He decided he was going to be in the tail end of the curve... living beyond the 8 months. He died 20 years later of another disease. He had one of the most admirable scientific careers of his era. He lived thirty times longer than the oncologists had predicted. THIRTY TIMES LONGER.
Anything is possible. Everything is possible.
The possibilities for me are endless. Endless. If I can get over the prognosis... If I can learn to live regardless of my physical illness...
I'm inspired by the biological scientist Stephen Jay Gould who was diagnosed with a rare cancer that had a median survival of 8 months. He decided he was going to be in the tail end of the curve... living beyond the 8 months. He died 20 years later of another disease. He had one of the most admirable scientific careers of his era. He lived thirty times longer than the oncologists had predicted. THIRTY TIMES LONGER.
Anything is possible. Everything is possible.
Day 48: What is maturity?
Only when there is mature there is flowering. Mature people do not go to war, so to speak, they find constructive ways to solve problems. Have you acted as a mature person? Are you moving towards self-maturity?
I have not always acted as a mature person. But I know I am moving in that direction.
I have not always acted as a mature person. But I know I am moving in that direction.
Day 47: Explore the fear that holds you
Explore the fears that grip you. Explore how your life is altered by these fears. For example, if someone is afraid of swimming, they avoid the sea or rivers. And in that way, maybe, they don't have to confront their fear. But, their fear is limiting them.
How is fear limiting my life?
I would say the things I am afraid of are not as tangible of being afraid of the water/swimming. They are more to do with fears of failing, of letting people down, of being rejected etc.
However I am not letting those fears limit my life. I am still risking, trying, taking chances... all the while knowing those outcomes might be possible.
For my part, I face my fears head on.
How is fear limiting my life?
I would say the things I am afraid of are not as tangible of being afraid of the water/swimming. They are more to do with fears of failing, of letting people down, of being rejected etc.
However I am not letting those fears limit my life. I am still risking, trying, taking chances... all the while knowing those outcomes might be possible.
For my part, I face my fears head on.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Day 46: What is your idea of the new humanity?
The world as it is now demands the new man. Contemplate what the new man would be like.
He would not carry the seed of the old man. The new man will not carry the seed of violence, he will be creative, a master, a blessing, he will celebrate every aspect of life, live joyously, be an enrichment for this life. He will be colorblind, not seeing race, creed, religion.
What is your idea of the new man?
And today try to be the embodiment of the new humanity.
Sounds pretty utopic doesn't it?
If everyone operated in the ways he described above the world would be an idyllic place.
For me, it would be nice to see humanity progress beyond itself. By that I mean, to truly live in a way where you are not just concerned with personal survival or the survival of offspring. It we could have better foresight on how we treat the environment and each other, our own bodies and minds... things would be different. If we could better appreciate the consequences of even our smallest actions and with that knowledge be empowered to make actions that with positive results.
He would not carry the seed of the old man. The new man will not carry the seed of violence, he will be creative, a master, a blessing, he will celebrate every aspect of life, live joyously, be an enrichment for this life. He will be colorblind, not seeing race, creed, religion.
What is your idea of the new man?
And today try to be the embodiment of the new humanity.
Sounds pretty utopic doesn't it?
If everyone operated in the ways he described above the world would be an idyllic place.
For me, it would be nice to see humanity progress beyond itself. By that I mean, to truly live in a way where you are not just concerned with personal survival or the survival of offspring. It we could have better foresight on how we treat the environment and each other, our own bodies and minds... things would be different. If we could better appreciate the consequences of even our smallest actions and with that knowledge be empowered to make actions that with positive results.
Day 45: Just be
Take 5-10 minutes and just meditate. Just be. As you are. Without trying to be anything in particular. This is the beginning of self love.
Day 44: Listen to your inner voice
He says that we all have an inner guru. That often times we spend time and money going to others to tell us what to do... But if we would just quiet ourselves and listen our inner voice knows what to do.
There are different semantics for the concept that the is getting at, some people call it intuition, some call it the holy spirit, some people call it inner voice... But regardless, many people would agree that at one point or another they have had some kind of experience with an inner knowing.
I think, what ever you call it, the main problem is most people don't take the time to listen, and most people are so disconnected from this integral part of themselves, that they might not even recognize it, were it to speak.
There are different semantics for the concept that the is getting at, some people call it intuition, some call it the holy spirit, some people call it inner voice... But regardless, many people would agree that at one point or another they have had some kind of experience with an inner knowing.
I think, what ever you call it, the main problem is most people don't take the time to listen, and most people are so disconnected from this integral part of themselves, that they might not even recognize it, were it to speak.
Day 43: Why do we pretend things are ok?
Why do we lie to ourselves in this way?
There is power in recognizing what is not ok and dealing with it truthfully.
Contemplate how you make things ok before they are ok, and the reason(s) why.
It must be a coping mechanism. I think sometimes it is our minds way of protecting us from collapse/breakdown. Sometimes, if we could accurately appreciate the reality of certain situations we'd crack, we collapse under the weight of it all, all at once.
I'm not one to want to live in a delusion. But I recognize that sometimes there are things I can't fully process or appreciate at a given moment in time. However, over time, I become increasingly able to accurately accept things as they are. Sometimes it just takes time.
I do agree that unless you truthfully acknowledge the things in your life that aren't as you want them to be, you cannot make progress on getting them where you DO want them to be.
So I guess there is a bit of a dichotomy.
There is power in recognizing what is not ok and dealing with it truthfully.
Contemplate how you make things ok before they are ok, and the reason(s) why.
It must be a coping mechanism. I think sometimes it is our minds way of protecting us from collapse/breakdown. Sometimes, if we could accurately appreciate the reality of certain situations we'd crack, we collapse under the weight of it all, all at once.
I'm not one to want to live in a delusion. But I recognize that sometimes there are things I can't fully process or appreciate at a given moment in time. However, over time, I become increasingly able to accurately accept things as they are. Sometimes it just takes time.
I do agree that unless you truthfully acknowledge the things in your life that aren't as you want them to be, you cannot make progress on getting them where you DO want them to be.
So I guess there is a bit of a dichotomy.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Day 42: Remember you are not separate
Remember you are not separate from everything, but you are one.
You are part of this cosmos. You are part of this earth. You are part of this land, this country, this human race.
Drop the idea of separation. Recognize we are all the same: same wants, same love, same needs.
What happens to one, affects another. Even what we do privately, can affect others. Any kind of "us and them" terminology creates distance, almost promotes superiority, outgroups people because of one thing or another.
On some profound level I think we all know we are deeply connected to everything around us. Even our smallest decisions can contribute to large effects. It's sobering, but I also find it empowering. What I do might not change the world, it might not fix every problem; but, what I do does have an effect and that matters.
You are part of this cosmos. You are part of this earth. You are part of this land, this country, this human race.
Drop the idea of separation. Recognize we are all the same: same wants, same love, same needs.
What happens to one, affects another. Even what we do privately, can affect others. Any kind of "us and them" terminology creates distance, almost promotes superiority, outgroups people because of one thing or another.
On some profound level I think we all know we are deeply connected to everything around us. Even our smallest decisions can contribute to large effects. It's sobering, but I also find it empowering. What I do might not change the world, it might not fix every problem; but, what I do does have an effect and that matters.
Day 41: What do you have to do versus what do you have to allow to happen?
Come to the synthesis between all that you can do and all that has to happen. The master masters action and the unfolding. There is synthesis between what I have to do and what has to happen.
One is action, the next is surrender.
I think this is quite beautiful too. In the video he talks about a metaphor for this concept, using a farmer. What the farmer can do is plant the seeds, water, fertilize, but the growing happens as a result, it unfolds. He can't literally grow the plant, but he can do everything to set up the growth and then wait and let it unfold.
It makes me think of what I would describe as striving. Striving, to me, means desperately trying to force things to be a certain way, in a way that is stressful and desperate, and sadly, rarely results in what you are after.
If I think of this in terms of beating cancer, it's a much healthier view-point. I have died to that decision, it is my goal. I am doing everything I can to set up the best possible chance for health, wellness, recovery. I have to then let it go, rest in it, watch and wait, continue to water/fertilize/weed and then allow what will unfold as a result to unfold.
I can't force a remission. I can't force healing. But I can do everything to encourage those things to happen. And I am. And I do.
One is action, the next is surrender.
I think this is quite beautiful too. In the video he talks about a metaphor for this concept, using a farmer. What the farmer can do is plant the seeds, water, fertilize, but the growing happens as a result, it unfolds. He can't literally grow the plant, but he can do everything to set up the growth and then wait and let it unfold.
It makes me think of what I would describe as striving. Striving, to me, means desperately trying to force things to be a certain way, in a way that is stressful and desperate, and sadly, rarely results in what you are after.
If I think of this in terms of beating cancer, it's a much healthier view-point. I have died to that decision, it is my goal. I am doing everything I can to set up the best possible chance for health, wellness, recovery. I have to then let it go, rest in it, watch and wait, continue to water/fertilize/weed and then allow what will unfold as a result to unfold.
I can't force a remission. I can't force healing. But I can do everything to encourage those things to happen. And I am. And I do.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Day 40: Meditate on success
He says success is dying to a decision (giving yourself over to it completely) and watching it unfold.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Day 39: Remeber you are a creator
Draw your awareness to yourself as a creator. Remember you are a creator and act like it!
Lately I have realized my own ability to create my own personal environment. I have been choosing joy and peace and letting the rest go. I realized, in tandem to working on my inner environment that I also have a lot of sway on my external environment, my home. I can make the space what I want it to be. I can make my internal and external environment conducive to my growth or not, conducive to peace or not, conducive to love or not.
Although, there are many things I cannot control. I can respond and react and create.
Lately I have realized my own ability to create my own personal environment. I have been choosing joy and peace and letting the rest go. I realized, in tandem to working on my inner environment that I also have a lot of sway on my external environment, my home. I can make the space what I want it to be. I can make my internal and external environment conducive to my growth or not, conducive to peace or not, conducive to love or not.
Although, there are many things I cannot control. I can respond and react and create.
Day 38: How have you become false?
How have you become false? What elements support your falsehood? How do you betray or deny yourself?
This happened the other day: Someone asked me what was wrong, I said: "Nothing." "I'm fine." They said: "Your face says your upset... So there must be a disconnect. If you are not lying to me, then you are lying to yourself."
Why do I do that? Why do I hide? Why do I deny any pain/anger/frustration a voice most of the time?
I don't know. But I do.
This happened the other day: Someone asked me what was wrong, I said: "Nothing." "I'm fine." They said: "Your face says your upset... So there must be a disconnect. If you are not lying to me, then you are lying to yourself."
Why do I do that? Why do I hide? Why do I deny any pain/anger/frustration a voice most of the time?
I don't know. But I do.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Day 37: Seek your own "tabula rasa"/clean state
Try to find your clean state, your pure state, your innocent state. The moments when you are completely you. Try to be connected to that state the whole day.
Day 36: Are you what you want to be?
Are you the way you want to be? If not, how have you missed it? How have you become something other than what you want to be?
Hindu saying: when you attain your enlightenment, you will realize you are exactly what you want to be.
They are proposing you are already what you want to be, you are just not in touch.
I truly feel that I am how I want to be. I feel this way because I am pursuing my own unfolding, my own betterment, I am trying to uncover the "real" me. I am in a state of flux, I am dynamic, I am in progress, I haven't arrived, I am growing, and I am liking myself more and more along the way. And I do feel that where I am now is where I need to be.
Hindu saying: when you attain your enlightenment, you will realize you are exactly what you want to be.
They are proposing you are already what you want to be, you are just not in touch.
I truly feel that I am how I want to be. I feel this way because I am pursuing my own unfolding, my own betterment, I am trying to uncover the "real" me. I am in a state of flux, I am dynamic, I am in progress, I haven't arrived, I am growing, and I am liking myself more and more along the way. And I do feel that where I am now is where I need to be.
Day 35: What have you been conditioned to be?
Have you been conditioned to be in sorrow? to be a failure? not to be happy? not to accept your power? ?
Conditioning is changing it from how it is originally.
The only way conditioning can exist is in unconsciousness, as soon as you become aware of it, it no longer holds power over you.
Also, WHAT have you been conditioned for? Our education usually teaches us to be workers, rarely does it teach us to be leaders and effective human beings.
I have was conditioned that there was something wrong with me, and that I wasn't one of the smart ones. University proved that to be false. I was conditioned to pursue an education that would ensure stability, rather than something I loved. I always felt torn between art/creativity and science. I choose science because it was safe, and because I could pursue creative things like music, art, writing as a hobby; while it was harder to pursue brain surgery as a hobby, for example.
Much of me wonders what would have happened, where I'd be now if I did go to school for something more creative and less safe. I also wonder if it is possible to marry science and art in terms of a career. What would that look like?
I have been conditioned that I what I am and what I have is not enough on it's own and I must be supplemented. But I am conscious of this, and I think it's loosing it's hold on me. I know I don't need to try so hard anymore. I am finding it easier to say no to people and to stand up for myself.
As far as my education. I feel, at least in university, that I was conditioned to believe I was something special, that I have what it takes, that my work was exceptional... I guess it didn't sink in as much as it should of, probably from years of hearing the opposite in my public school and high school days.
Conditioning is changing it from how it is originally.
The only way conditioning can exist is in unconsciousness, as soon as you become aware of it, it no longer holds power over you.
Also, WHAT have you been conditioned for? Our education usually teaches us to be workers, rarely does it teach us to be leaders and effective human beings.
I have was conditioned that there was something wrong with me, and that I wasn't one of the smart ones. University proved that to be false. I was conditioned to pursue an education that would ensure stability, rather than something I loved. I always felt torn between art/creativity and science. I choose science because it was safe, and because I could pursue creative things like music, art, writing as a hobby; while it was harder to pursue brain surgery as a hobby, for example.
Much of me wonders what would have happened, where I'd be now if I did go to school for something more creative and less safe. I also wonder if it is possible to marry science and art in terms of a career. What would that look like?
I have been conditioned that I what I am and what I have is not enough on it's own and I must be supplemented. But I am conscious of this, and I think it's loosing it's hold on me. I know I don't need to try so hard anymore. I am finding it easier to say no to people and to stand up for myself.
As far as my education. I feel, at least in university, that I was conditioned to believe I was something special, that I have what it takes, that my work was exceptional... I guess it didn't sink in as much as it should of, probably from years of hearing the opposite in my public school and high school days.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Day 34: Contemplate the word sorrow
When joy is missing, sorrow is present. What is sorrow? (Usually very old pain that has been kept alive, that you can't get rid of). What is your relationship with sorrow? How do you house it, how you keep it, how you contribute to it, how do you form a deep union with it?
They day you make the decision not to be in sorrow, you step into joy.
As I mentioned in the last post. I have chosen to live in joy. I have been choosing that for me lately.
I have let sorrow go. Not that there is no place for it. But it is not something I am attached to. It is not something I am housing, or feeding, or contributing to, or binding myself to. I am letting go. I have let it go.
They day you make the decision not to be in sorrow, you step into joy.
As I mentioned in the last post. I have chosen to live in joy. I have been choosing that for me lately.
I have let sorrow go. Not that there is no place for it. But it is not something I am attached to. It is not something I am housing, or feeding, or contributing to, or binding myself to. I am letting go. I have let it go.
Day 33: Have you lived joyfully?
Have you lived joyfully? (Joy can only happen when you fully commit yourself to your decisions, when there is oneness). If you haven't committed to anything, or surrendered to anything you can't live in joy. Are you ready to live in joy?
It's funny that this question comes up because lately I have decided that I am going to choose to live in joy and peace. I keep meditating on it. And when things come up and I could get upset (often unnecessarily) I say to myself I am choosing to live and joy and peace.
I even feel that joy and peace and even a cheerful optimism are becoming my new modes of being. It's not to say that nothing is hard, or things aren't difficult or sad sometimes. But I choose not to dwell in those places.
One of my favorite authors argues that every one wants joy, but the reason we don't get joy all the time is because joy doesn't change us. It doesn't help us grow, it doesn't challenge us, it doesn't require anything of us. In fact, he says, it might even detract us from deeper things or pursuits like god and truth.
And I think that is true. Life can't be one rainbow colored smoothie of joy. But here, I am not talking about joy based so synergistically on events/circumstances etc. I think you can find or choose joy even in the hard things, even in the mundane.
One of my favorite quotes says it best:
It's funny that this question comes up because lately I have decided that I am going to choose to live in joy and peace. I keep meditating on it. And when things come up and I could get upset (often unnecessarily) I say to myself I am choosing to live and joy and peace.
I even feel that joy and peace and even a cheerful optimism are becoming my new modes of being. It's not to say that nothing is hard, or things aren't difficult or sad sometimes. But I choose not to dwell in those places.
One of my favorite authors argues that every one wants joy, but the reason we don't get joy all the time is because joy doesn't change us. It doesn't help us grow, it doesn't challenge us, it doesn't require anything of us. In fact, he says, it might even detract us from deeper things or pursuits like god and truth.
And I think that is true. Life can't be one rainbow colored smoothie of joy. But here, I am not talking about joy based so synergistically on events/circumstances etc. I think you can find or choose joy even in the hard things, even in the mundane.
One of my favorite quotes says it best:
“Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself.” Mahatma Gandhi
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Day 32: Have you exercised the ability to make a decision and die to that choice?
Decisions=when you have decided to die towards a direction. Therefore, no turning back.
What decision have I died to?
To survive. To beat cancer. To live and love in wholeness and wellness.
What decision have I died to?
To survive. To beat cancer. To live and love in wholeness and wellness.
Day 31: How does your love move you?
Living in celebration=allowing your love to move you (not your hate, pain, sorrow, anxiety etc.)
I wish love was the motivation behind everything I do. I know it's the motivation behind much of what I do, but not all. Sometimes hatred still rears it's ugly head, or jealousy, or fear... and it's these things that move me.
I am learning to love myself more. And to let that motivate me, my desire for self-improvement, my desire for well-being, my desire for wholeness... Rather than being motivated by my desire not to disappoint people, or to survive for them, or because I don't want to be abandoned.
I am going to be much more mindful of how love moves (or doesn't move me) and try to just allow it to saturate everything I do.
I wish love was the motivation behind everything I do. I know it's the motivation behind much of what I do, but not all. Sometimes hatred still rears it's ugly head, or jealousy, or fear... and it's these things that move me.
I am learning to love myself more. And to let that motivate me, my desire for self-improvement, my desire for well-being, my desire for wholeness... Rather than being motivated by my desire not to disappoint people, or to survive for them, or because I don't want to be abandoned.
I am going to be much more mindful of how love moves (or doesn't move me) and try to just allow it to saturate everything I do.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Day 30: What is the degree of self-lies you exist in? And how can you free yourself from this self deception?
Contemplate on self-lies. Humans are the only creatures who can do this. Why can't we see what is? Because we believe that we cannot deal with the truth.
Pay attention to all the facts in your life that you have avoided.
This is a hard one. Because part of me thinks, do I really want to dig deep into this question. What if I like my self-deception, what if my delusions make getting through life easier?
Sigh. This is s tricky one in the face of cancer, where belief can have such an impact, so what do you do?? Continue to believe and hope or do you just start looking at the raw data??
Maybe that's not the kind of self-lies he's talking about. Maybe it's something deeper, something less tangible and more psyche related.
Either way, I know possibly have some self deceptions, but mostly they are beliefs in things that will happen/are happening... like beating cancer or winning worlds or growing or chaning in one way or another. And I'm keeping those for now.
Pay attention to all the facts in your life that you have avoided.
This is a hard one. Because part of me thinks, do I really want to dig deep into this question. What if I like my self-deception, what if my delusions make getting through life easier?
Sigh. This is s tricky one in the face of cancer, where belief can have such an impact, so what do you do?? Continue to believe and hope or do you just start looking at the raw data??
Maybe that's not the kind of self-lies he's talking about. Maybe it's something deeper, something less tangible and more psyche related.
Either way, I know possibly have some self deceptions, but mostly they are beliefs in things that will happen/are happening... like beating cancer or winning worlds or growing or chaning in one way or another. And I'm keeping those for now.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Day 29: Are you in oneness or are you divided?
Am I in oneness? Am I one? Or am I split? Is the conflict I am experiencing because I am split? Is the strength I am experiencing because I am one? Mind, heart, being, should be operating as one.
This is an interesting question. It's something I've been working on recently with Dr. Yeung also. It started out with me feeling like I was always "on" for everyone. I was being strong, a fighter, always positive, not letting things get me down, not admitting weakness. I was telling him that there was a part of me that wanted to be weak, that wanted to be held, that wanted to be scared and sad and freak out. But, that I kept denying that part.
So we worked to give that part a voice. And I realize that it wasn't like there were 2 parts of me, there was really one, but I had just completely shut off an aspect of myself. And now we are trying to unify mind, body, spirit; so that there is a oneness, a synergy. In recent sessions with Dr. Yeung, we do a meditative kind of practice and I really feel as though I have to come to my "true self".
In these times I feel really at peace. All striving stops. And I can just be and live and love. There are no worries. There is faith. And there is a gentle confidence that trust in myself and in god that what I am is enough, and I am where I am supposed to be, and that I am becoming, but I don't have to try to get there. It's like an unfolding. I just have to be present and allow it to happen.
It doesn't usually last for too long. But I want to learn how to live from that place. That place of synergy between mind body spirit, that place of unity, that place of peaceful optimism. That is what I am working on now.
This is an interesting question. It's something I've been working on recently with Dr. Yeung also. It started out with me feeling like I was always "on" for everyone. I was being strong, a fighter, always positive, not letting things get me down, not admitting weakness. I was telling him that there was a part of me that wanted to be weak, that wanted to be held, that wanted to be scared and sad and freak out. But, that I kept denying that part.
So we worked to give that part a voice. And I realize that it wasn't like there were 2 parts of me, there was really one, but I had just completely shut off an aspect of myself. And now we are trying to unify mind, body, spirit; so that there is a oneness, a synergy. In recent sessions with Dr. Yeung, we do a meditative kind of practice and I really feel as though I have to come to my "true self".
In these times I feel really at peace. All striving stops. And I can just be and live and love. There are no worries. There is faith. And there is a gentle confidence that trust in myself and in god that what I am is enough, and I am where I am supposed to be, and that I am becoming, but I don't have to try to get there. It's like an unfolding. I just have to be present and allow it to happen.
It doesn't usually last for too long. But I want to learn how to live from that place. That place of synergy between mind body spirit, that place of unity, that place of peaceful optimism. That is what I am working on now.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Day 28: What is the difference between control and mastery
What is the difference between control and mastery? What are you trying to keep in control in your life? How many things do you really have mastery over? As long as control is there, misery is there. When mastery is there, love and celebration are there. For control you need power. For mastery all you need is love. Is your life being born out of control or mastery?
I feel completely out of control of so many aspects of my life. And generally, I dislike that feeling very much. Even the few things I think I have control over, in the I don't--or if I do, it's not satisfying... And he's right, it is misery inducing.
I am trying to learn to just be. It's almost like when you fight for control, you never get it. But if you surrender, or something, then things seem to come a little bit easier.
Maybe that is what mastery is. Surrendering to love.
I feel completely out of control of so many aspects of my life. And generally, I dislike that feeling very much. Even the few things I think I have control over, in the I don't--or if I do, it's not satisfying... And he's right, it is misery inducing.
I am trying to learn to just be. It's almost like when you fight for control, you never get it. But if you surrender, or something, then things seem to come a little bit easier.
Maybe that is what mastery is. Surrendering to love.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Day 27: What is your relationship with your past?
What is your entanglement with your past? How is your past ruling you right now? Does it keep infecting you? Is your past determining your present and your future.
The person of clarity does not allow his past to influence his present. He is free to create the future he wants to create.
This clarity can help you become free of your past and be in the present moment and create a new future.
I am breaking free from it. I am learning to let go of it. I am taking what I have learned and all the love and care I've ever received and letting the rest drift away. Sometimes I pictures myself in an ocean that washes it all away and it's lost in a sea so big--that there's no way to get it back once you let it go.
The ways the past is still ruling me is in my insecurities... The things I've suffered in my past, the ways I've been hurt have left scars of sorts that seem to cripple me in various ways. Sometimes I am crippled from sharing or being vulnerable, sometimes from trusting someone else, sometimes from standing up for myself--for what I want or don't want--from sharing my real opinions. I have a fear of abandonment.
I want to create a new future where my past doesn't keep me tethered to hurt and pain, to wounds that the people I am with now didn't cause and had nothing to do with. I want to be free.
The person of clarity does not allow his past to influence his present. He is free to create the future he wants to create.
This clarity can help you become free of your past and be in the present moment and create a new future.
I am breaking free from it. I am learning to let go of it. I am taking what I have learned and all the love and care I've ever received and letting the rest drift away. Sometimes I pictures myself in an ocean that washes it all away and it's lost in a sea so big--that there's no way to get it back once you let it go.
The ways the past is still ruling me is in my insecurities... The things I've suffered in my past, the ways I've been hurt have left scars of sorts that seem to cripple me in various ways. Sometimes I am crippled from sharing or being vulnerable, sometimes from trusting someone else, sometimes from standing up for myself--for what I want or don't want--from sharing my real opinions. I have a fear of abandonment.
I want to create a new future where my past doesn't keep me tethered to hurt and pain, to wounds that the people I am with now didn't cause and had nothing to do with. I want to be free.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Day 26: What is the vision you are living?
What is the vision you are living? What is the vision you have been participating in. Life becomes boring when you lose your vision. We have to be very conscious of our vision.
If you plant a rose bush, you have a vision of seeing roses....
Life does become boring without a clear purpose or vision.
Where there is no vision, the people perish.
Proverbs 29:18
My vision is my life is for wholeness and wellness, for living to the full, for loving with abandon, for having fulfilling and deeply satisfying and connected relationships, for peace, for joy.
If you plant a rose bush, you have a vision of seeing roses....
Life does become boring without a clear purpose or vision.
Where there is no vision, the people perish.
Proverbs 29:18
My vision is my life is for wholeness and wellness, for living to the full, for loving with abandon, for having fulfilling and deeply satisfying and connected relationships, for peace, for joy.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Day 25: What is the possibility to see for yourself and another?
What is the possibility you see for yourself and in another? If you can't see the possibility in you, you can't see it in another.
Living in love. Wholeness. Wellness. A better world. Meaningful life. Deeper connection. Fun. Play. Fulfillment. Enlightenment. Success. Song. Art. Beauty.
I have always looked at others with what I feel are special eyes. I have even commented to people that I don't often see people just as they are presently, but as they could be. I see potential in everyone. Sometimes achingly so, when people are living so drastically differently then I know they are capable of.
Living in love. Wholeness. Wellness. A better world. Meaningful life. Deeper connection. Fun. Play. Fulfillment. Enlightenment. Success. Song. Art. Beauty.
I have always looked at others with what I feel are special eyes. I have even commented to people that I don't often see people just as they are presently, but as they could be. I see potential in everyone. Sometimes achingly so, when people are living so drastically differently then I know they are capable of.
“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.” Audrey Hepburn
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Day 24: What result do I want to see in my life?
What result do you want to see in your life? It you can't see it you are not going to experience it.
The one who achieves this is the one who is clear on what he wants.
Wholeness. Perfect health. Love. Deep connection. 60-year long partnership. Family. Children. Home. Jiu Jitsu black belt. Spirituality. Meaningful and fun work. Abundance. Joy. Peace. Music. Creation. Creativity. Expression. Freedom. Justice. Empowerment. Hope. Intimacy. Vulnerability. Openness. Continual unfolding. Truth. Miracles.
The one who achieves this is the one who is clear on what he wants.
Wholeness. Perfect health. Love. Deep connection. 60-year long partnership. Family. Children. Home. Jiu Jitsu black belt. Spirituality. Meaningful and fun work. Abundance. Joy. Peace. Music. Creation. Creativity. Expression. Freedom. Justice. Empowerment. Hope. Intimacy. Vulnerability. Openness. Continual unfolding. Truth. Miracles.
Day 23: What have I been doing all this while?
What have I been doing all this while? And why? (Because if you have not focused in the past, there is no guarantee you will focus in the future).
I've been doing some hiding. Placating people. Doing what I think people want to please them. Acquiescing way too often. I've been doing some posturing. To put a "good" face forward. I haven't stood up for myself much at all. I've been saying "yes" or "sure" when I want to say no... I guess because I don't want to upset people, or I don't want them to get tired of me, or leave. I've been silent on my own needs and desires. (And still am). I find the words make it to my mouth, but they get stuck on my tongue. I don't know why. If I can't do something for someone, or be somewhere for someone, I make sure I explain fully all the other things that I need to do that prevent me from doing what they need or want....
Sometime I had behind my illness or it's effects. It's gotten me out of bad situations before. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't need it. I don't want it. It has not purpose in my life anymore.
I've been doing some hiding. Placating people. Doing what I think people want to please them. Acquiescing way too often. I've been doing some posturing. To put a "good" face forward. I haven't stood up for myself much at all. I've been saying "yes" or "sure" when I want to say no... I guess because I don't want to upset people, or I don't want them to get tired of me, or leave. I've been silent on my own needs and desires. (And still am). I find the words make it to my mouth, but they get stuck on my tongue. I don't know why. If I can't do something for someone, or be somewhere for someone, I make sure I explain fully all the other things that I need to do that prevent me from doing what they need or want....
Sometime I had behind my illness or it's effects. It's gotten me out of bad situations before. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't need it. I don't want it. It has not purpose in my life anymore.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Day 22: What do I really want to do?
What do I really want to do? (Most often we react out of stress, pain, fear... but take a moment to think, and contemplate).
It is a question to the whole being.
LIVE!
Heal
Love
Create
Nurture
Teach
GROW
Learn
BECOME
Let go and move on
Research
Inquire
Write
MUSIC
Jiu jitsu
Empower
Inspire
MAKE A DIFFERENCE
Stand up for myself and others
It is a question to the whole being.
LIVE!
Heal
Love
Create
Nurture
Teach
GROW
Learn
BECOME
Let go and move on
Research
Inquire
Write
MUSIC
Jiu jitsu
Empower
Inspire
MAKE A DIFFERENCE
Stand up for myself and others
Reflections from Dr. Ellerbroek
"It is my primary belief that we were sold a big bill of goods when we were little. We were taught that under certain circumstances it is appropriate to be angry, and that under all circumstances it is appropriate to be depressed. I'm here to say that in my own personal, solitary opinion--and totally contrary to the beleifs of almost all the psychiatrists I know--I believe that anger and depression are pathological emotions, that they are immediately responsible for the vase majority of human ills, including cancer. I have collected 57 extremely well documented so-called cancer miracles. A cancer miracle is when a person didn't die when they absolutely, positively were supposed to. At a certain particular moment in time they decided that the anger and the depression were probably not the best way to go, since they had such a little bit of time left, and so they went from that to being loving, caring, no longer angry, no longer depressed, and able to talk to the people they loved. These 57 people had the same pattern. They gave up, totally, their anger, and they gave up, totally, their depression, by specifically a decision to do so. At that point, the tumors started to shrink."
Today is the day. T-minus 1 hour until tumor shrinkage begins!
Today is the day. T-minus 1 hour until tumor shrinkage begins!
from There is a rainbow behind every dark cloud
"In summary, we think that your mind can do anything. You can learn to control your mind and decide to be happy "inside" with a smiling heart, in spite of what happens to you on the "outside".
Whether you are sick or well, when you give help and love to others, it makes you fell warm and peaceful inside. We learned that, when you give love, you receive it at the same time.
And letting go of the past and forgiving everyone and everything sure helps you not be afraid.
Remember that you are love. So let your love expand, and love yourself and everyone. When you love and really feel joined with everyone, everything, and with God, you can feel happy and safe inside.
And don't forget, when you have total Faith that we are always connected to each other in love, you will surely find a rainbow on the other side of any dark cloud."
I want to love like this. I want to be free like this. I want to love, and them love more. I want to let go of every anger and bitterness and just extend as much love as I can. I want to know real peace. I know there are things I need to get ride of in my "psyche"...
It's time to do the hard work to expose all the darkness to light and really forgive, really release the anger once and for all, really set bitterness down and walk away...
Whether you are sick or well, when you give help and love to others, it makes you fell warm and peaceful inside. We learned that, when you give love, you receive it at the same time.
And letting go of the past and forgiving everyone and everything sure helps you not be afraid.
Remember that you are love. So let your love expand, and love yourself and everyone. When you love and really feel joined with everyone, everything, and with God, you can feel happy and safe inside.
And don't forget, when you have total Faith that we are always connected to each other in love, you will surely find a rainbow on the other side of any dark cloud."
I want to love like this. I want to be free like this. I want to love, and them love more. I want to let go of every anger and bitterness and just extend as much love as I can. I want to know real peace. I know there are things I need to get ride of in my "psyche"...
It's time to do the hard work to expose all the darkness to light and really forgive, really release the anger once and for all, really set bitterness down and walk away...
Monday, April 12, 2010
Day 21: What do you stand up for?
What do you stand up for? Human rights? Love? Truth? For another? Harmony?
The world is the way it is because enough of us have not stood up for the right things.
Finally, ask, what do you want to stand up for?
Humanity as a whole depends on each one of us making a stand.
I stand up for others, love, truth, justice, freedom, expression, creativity, individuality, my family, my friends... ideas, inquiry, exploration, self-determination, peace...
When I ponder these questions this quote comes to mind:
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)
Because I know that sometimes I haven't stood up for anything at all. Sometimes I've stayed silent, looked the other way, feigned ignorance, and even taken a stand for "evil".
I remember growing up in church, this quote being thrown around:
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
And it comes to mind again now. Not so much that you'll fall for anything--not anymore. But, more so, that you're life will lack direction, meaning, purpose... If you don't take a stand. That's how I feel. Without these... convictions... life can loose it's luster, and you begin to feel ineffective, or unimportant, or as if there is nothing specific that you can do in the world. And I'm not talking about grand, historically relevant, iconic stands (like ghandi, mandella, the guy in tiananmen square)--although that would be incredible, but in every day life, in every choice you make are you standing up for love, for equality, for truth, for justice, or are you doing nothing?
Me? I make my stands. But now, that I am more mindful, I want to make more of them.
I want to stand up more for the poor and the oppressed as well.
And, I know in so many ways, I don't stand up for myself. But I want to and I am going to start to.
The world is the way it is because enough of us have not stood up for the right things.
Finally, ask, what do you want to stand up for?
Humanity as a whole depends on each one of us making a stand.
I stand up for others, love, truth, justice, freedom, expression, creativity, individuality, my family, my friends... ideas, inquiry, exploration, self-determination, peace...
When I ponder these questions this quote comes to mind:
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)
Because I know that sometimes I haven't stood up for anything at all. Sometimes I've stayed silent, looked the other way, feigned ignorance, and even taken a stand for "evil".
I remember growing up in church, this quote being thrown around:
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
And it comes to mind again now. Not so much that you'll fall for anything--not anymore. But, more so, that you're life will lack direction, meaning, purpose... If you don't take a stand. That's how I feel. Without these... convictions... life can loose it's luster, and you begin to feel ineffective, or unimportant, or as if there is nothing specific that you can do in the world. And I'm not talking about grand, historically relevant, iconic stands (like ghandi, mandella, the guy in tiananmen square)--although that would be incredible, but in every day life, in every choice you make are you standing up for love, for equality, for truth, for justice, or are you doing nothing?
Me? I make my stands. But now, that I am more mindful, I want to make more of them.
I want to stand up more for the poor and the oppressed as well.
And, I know in so many ways, I don't stand up for myself. But I want to and I am going to start to.
Day 20: How do I blame another for that which I am responsible?
How do I blame another for my responsibility?
It is like happiness is only possible when you realize it is your responsibility. If you put the responsibility onto another you can never be happy.
Success is a personal responsibility. Health is a personal responsibility.
How do you blame something outside of you for something you are responsible for?
This question is kind of painful. It is so much easier to look at everything, and everyone, other than yourself, especially when it comes to assigning blame for the bad things that happen in life.
Ugh. Like cancer. Whose fault is that? Is it Mike's? Is it random? Is it because of some deeply hidden childhood trauma? Is it God's? Who?
The answer me. It always comes back to me. I should have managed and expressed my emotions better. I should have loved myself enough to get out of a toxic environment sooner. I should have gone to the doctor sooner, more often. It's my responsibility.
Now I take that responsibility completely. Not just for my health, but for my life and my happiness and everything. I know now that it is up to me and I have to love myself enough to make me a priority. That is what I am trying to do. I don't want to make excuses for anything anymore. If I want to beat cancer, if I want to be a jiu jitsu champion, if I want to make music, if I want to be an artist, if I want to have a lasting and loving relationship, if I want to explore the world, if I want to be connected to my family-to my friends...
then
it
is
up
to
me.
ME.
It's empowering, as much as it's frightening.
It is like happiness is only possible when you realize it is your responsibility. If you put the responsibility onto another you can never be happy.
Success is a personal responsibility. Health is a personal responsibility.
How do you blame something outside of you for something you are responsible for?
This question is kind of painful. It is so much easier to look at everything, and everyone, other than yourself, especially when it comes to assigning blame for the bad things that happen in life.
Ugh. Like cancer. Whose fault is that? Is it Mike's? Is it random? Is it because of some deeply hidden childhood trauma? Is it God's? Who?
The answer me. It always comes back to me. I should have managed and expressed my emotions better. I should have loved myself enough to get out of a toxic environment sooner. I should have gone to the doctor sooner, more often. It's my responsibility.
Now I take that responsibility completely. Not just for my health, but for my life and my happiness and everything. I know now that it is up to me and I have to love myself enough to make me a priority. That is what I am trying to do. I don't want to make excuses for anything anymore. If I want to beat cancer, if I want to be a jiu jitsu champion, if I want to make music, if I want to be an artist, if I want to have a lasting and loving relationship, if I want to explore the world, if I want to be connected to my family-to my friends...
then
it
is
up
to
me.
ME.
It's empowering, as much as it's frightening.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Henri J. M. Nouwen
I read this in his book: The Wounded Healer and it totally hit me like a ton of bricks.
"When the imitation of Christ does not mean to live a life like Christ, but to live your life as authentically as Christ lived his, then there are many ways and forms in which a man can be a Christian."
!!
It blows my mind and makes me want to continue with this 90 day challenge (that's probably already taken 90 days...) and keep stretching and pushing myself to really live and grow and become all that I am supposed to be.
"When the imitation of Christ does not mean to live a life like Christ, but to live your life as authentically as Christ lived his, then there are many ways and forms in which a man can be a Christian."
!!
It blows my mind and makes me want to continue with this 90 day challenge (that's probably already taken 90 days...) and keep stretching and pushing myself to really live and grow and become all that I am supposed to be.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Day 19: How do I escape who I can really be?
How do I escape who I can really be? Who I really am? How do I escape really being me?
He says people are generally not truly them, they are somebody else, maybe that is why there is so much misery. Because when we are ourselves there is joy, creativity, success... one's glory is reached inevitably.
This is a similar question to the previous one. On some level I think we all know who we are. We all have this sense that we were created for something more, or that there is some special, unique, and even a great purpose to (or for) our lives. At the same time, for me at least, it seems that we are also paralyzed by fear, the fear of failing, the fear or being rejected, the fear of making a mistake in thinking we are supposed to be more... and more than that, that it's not so much BEING more as just resting or settling in, or becoming comfortable and assured in the fact that we ARE more.
I shy away from showcasing the real me all of the time. Mostly, I think, I am scared of rejection/abandonment/disapproval. I think I am also afraid to fail... I have all these goals and aspirations and for the most part, in some way, I find my self half-assing the effort in some small way. It's almost like, that way, if it doesn't pan out, I didn't give my whole self.
If the relationship doesn't pan out well, if I don't end up completely overcoming cancer, if I am not crowned a world champion in jiu jitus, if i don't write and share and make music or art that changes people or promotes their growth/freedom, if this friendship isn't all it can be, if i'm not the best sister, daughter, family member... if I don't live up to this expectation or that expectation... in some small corner of my mind it's not so bad because I didn't give all of me. I held something back. And not just something, but the very best of part... my true self.
I know this sounds like a bunch of hippy nonsense. But deep inside I know it's true.
I am afraid to fail. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being abandoned. I am afraid of disappointing people. I am afraid of being weak. I am afraid to really put my whole self out there.
So I hide, I escape by holding back.
He says people are generally not truly them, they are somebody else, maybe that is why there is so much misery. Because when we are ourselves there is joy, creativity, success... one's glory is reached inevitably.
This is a similar question to the previous one. On some level I think we all know who we are. We all have this sense that we were created for something more, or that there is some special, unique, and even a great purpose to (or for) our lives. At the same time, for me at least, it seems that we are also paralyzed by fear, the fear of failing, the fear or being rejected, the fear of making a mistake in thinking we are supposed to be more... and more than that, that it's not so much BEING more as just resting or settling in, or becoming comfortable and assured in the fact that we ARE more.
I shy away from showcasing the real me all of the time. Mostly, I think, I am scared of rejection/abandonment/disapproval. I think I am also afraid to fail... I have all these goals and aspirations and for the most part, in some way, I find my self half-assing the effort in some small way. It's almost like, that way, if it doesn't pan out, I didn't give my whole self.
If the relationship doesn't pan out well, if I don't end up completely overcoming cancer, if I am not crowned a world champion in jiu jitus, if i don't write and share and make music or art that changes people or promotes their growth/freedom, if this friendship isn't all it can be, if i'm not the best sister, daughter, family member... if I don't live up to this expectation or that expectation... in some small corner of my mind it's not so bad because I didn't give all of me. I held something back. And not just something, but the very best of part... my true self.
I know this sounds like a bunch of hippy nonsense. But deep inside I know it's true.
I am afraid to fail. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being abandoned. I am afraid of disappointing people. I am afraid of being weak. I am afraid to really put my whole self out there.
So I hide, I escape by holding back.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Day 18: How do you deny the best of you?
How do you deny the best of you? How do you deny your glory? How do you forsake the best in you?
Like when someone complements you, you say no, no, no... We can be comfortable with the worst of us, but the best of us can be such a challenge.
For me, I know this is true.
I have trouble accepting confidence. I have some false pride about things. But generally I am far more concerned with keeping everyone happy and making sure people think I am "worth" keeping around.
I want to shine. I want to live from that comfortable place of assured confidence, not pride or striving just an easy rest in everything I am and everything I am becoming.
Like when someone complements you, you say no, no, no... We can be comfortable with the worst of us, but the best of us can be such a challenge.
For me, I know this is true.
I have trouble accepting confidence. I have some false pride about things. But generally I am far more concerned with keeping everyone happy and making sure people think I am "worth" keeping around.
I want to shine. I want to live from that comfortable place of assured confidence, not pride or striving just an easy rest in everything I am and everything I am becoming.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Day 17: What is sharing?
What is sharing? What does it mean to you to share? He says, for him, sharing is giving the best of me to another. For example a tree shares by it's flowers, it's fragrance, it's fruit.
Sharing is vulnerable and open. It's free. If it's real sharing, it doesn't have expectations and requirements of reciprocity; it might hope for it, but it doesn't expect it or demand it.
Sharing is taking a risk that what you have to offer won't be rejected or deemed unworthy or not good enough. It is being assured that you are, in fact, offering your best, and if that best isn't sufficient for someone else, it is not taken as an offense, it is not accepted and ingrained as a judgment about self-worth.
Sharing is moving towards unity, oneness; it blurs the lines between self and other. It fosters connection and reinforces the interconnections between us all.
Sharing, for me, is freely giving whatever I have, knowing, being assured that I wont be left lacking if I continuously move in generosity.
Sharing is vulnerable and open. It's free. If it's real sharing, it doesn't have expectations and requirements of reciprocity; it might hope for it, but it doesn't expect it or demand it.
Sharing is taking a risk that what you have to offer won't be rejected or deemed unworthy or not good enough. It is being assured that you are, in fact, offering your best, and if that best isn't sufficient for someone else, it is not taken as an offense, it is not accepted and ingrained as a judgment about self-worth.
Sharing is moving towards unity, oneness; it blurs the lines between self and other. It fosters connection and reinforces the interconnections between us all.
Sharing, for me, is freely giving whatever I have, knowing, being assured that I wont be left lacking if I continuously move in generosity.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Day 16: What does it mean to be there for another?
What does it mean to relate and to be there for someone? To be there for their upliftment, to be there to nurture them, to be there as a witness, to be there as an admirer, as a lover...
To be non-judgmental and accepting.
To listen. To really listen.
To rejoice when they rejoice and mourn when they mourn.
To carry them during the times that can't take another step.
To love them unconditionally.
To look for ways to light them up.
To show your delight in them.
To be present with them, and walk with them on their journey.
To acknowledge their accomplishments.
To encourage them after their failures.
In all ways to facilitate them becoming more themselves.
To be generous and giving.
To give them freedom and not pin them down with expectations.
And over all these things, more love, love, love.
To be non-judgmental and accepting.
To listen. To really listen.
To rejoice when they rejoice and mourn when they mourn.
To carry them during the times that can't take another step.
To love them unconditionally.
To look for ways to light them up.
To show your delight in them.
To be present with them, and walk with them on their journey.
To acknowledge their accomplishments.
To encourage them after their failures.
In all ways to facilitate them becoming more themselves.
To be generous and giving.
To give them freedom and not pin them down with expectations.
And over all these things, more love, love, love.
Day 15: What does it mean to be complete?
What does it mean to be complete, to be fulfilled? (When you recognize it, you can go forth and find it).
To have people to love. To be loved. To have pursuits you are passionate about. To have meaningful work/volunteering/expression. To pursue truth. To build a home and a life and a family. To live in the moment as much as possible and be aware of what there is to do/be part of today. To not be too concerned (and overwhelmed) by all the worlds problems, but to do something. To make a difference. A difference to someone, something, a cause, a movement, an individual. To live a life with purpose and realize you matter and what you do matters.
To have people to love. To be loved. To have pursuits you are passionate about. To have meaningful work/volunteering/expression. To pursue truth. To build a home and a life and a family. To live in the moment as much as possible and be aware of what there is to do/be part of today. To not be too concerned (and overwhelmed) by all the worlds problems, but to do something. To make a difference. A difference to someone, something, a cause, a movement, an individual. To live a life with purpose and realize you matter and what you do matters.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Day 14: What is love?
What is love to you? Is it self-less? Love is food for our soul, for our being, for our heart. Is it pleasure, responsibility...?
Vincent?
My parents? (no one loves in quite the sacrificial way as parents do... or so it seems to me)
God? (that's what they say, "God is love")
My sisters?
Eerika? (so unconditional and freely given)
Friends? Family?
Cousin Sarah (she's inspired me a lot to love, and love, and love again... because we always have more to give)
Cousin Geoff W? (what an incredible sweetie)
Uncle B? (so unconditional and accepting)
Corinthians 13?
It can't be things... like the things I love... jiu jitsu, snowboarding, reading, writing, training, cooking, creating, art, making music, etc. etc.
Love is so intertwined in relationship. And in so many ways these people and more are showing and teaching me what love is. They are redefining the term for me all the time.
Vincent?
My parents? (no one loves in quite the sacrificial way as parents do... or so it seems to me)
God? (that's what they say, "God is love")
My sisters?
Eerika? (so unconditional and freely given)
Friends? Family?
Cousin Sarah (she's inspired me a lot to love, and love, and love again... because we always have more to give)
Cousin Geoff W? (what an incredible sweetie)
Uncle B? (so unconditional and accepting)
Corinthians 13?
It can't be things... like the things I love... jiu jitsu, snowboarding, reading, writing, training, cooking, creating, art, making music, etc. etc.
Love is so intertwined in relationship. And in so many ways these people and more are showing and teaching me what love is. They are redefining the term for me all the time.
Wednesday February 17 2010
I was just thinking today about all the things I have been reading and meditating and thinking on. And I had this idea that really I am not my body, I am spirit, I am so much more. I am just not that aware of it because I am completely linked in and connected... maybe too much so, to everything physical and tangible. But just because something is a thought, or an idea, or an emotion, or a sense of self beyond the body... Is it really less tangible, just because it's not physical? I don't think so.
I was wondering to myself if it would be possible to get to the point where i would put on my skin like clothes in the morning... I was wondering if it was possible to become that full of God, or that empty of myself, or that aware that I am so much more than just my body that it would be like that. I was thinking about what it might be like to get to that point. Where I put on my body like clothes in the morning and I am confronted with the ever-present reality that there is so much more. And I am aware that when my body stops, I don't, I keep going, I am free.
It was just some worn out clothes anyway.
I was wondering to myself if it would be possible to get to the point where i would put on my skin like clothes in the morning... I was wondering if it was possible to become that full of God, or that empty of myself, or that aware that I am so much more than just my body that it would be like that. I was thinking about what it might be like to get to that point. Where I put on my body like clothes in the morning and I am confronted with the ever-present reality that there is so much more. And I am aware that when my body stops, I don't, I keep going, I am free.
It was just some worn out clothes anyway.
An Invitation to Centering Prayer --M. Basil Pennington
Tuesday February 16, 2010
“Our hearts are made for you, O Lord, and they will not rest until they rest in you.”
Lectio Divina
take the sacred text and call upon the holy spirit
for five minutes (or longer if you feel drawn) listen to the Lord speaking to you through the text, and respond
choose a word or phrase (perhaps one will have been “given” to you), and thank the Lord for being with you
rest/sit in the presence
you can use the phrase as your “word” in centering prayer
goal is to cultivate the “ears of the heart”
It’s funny because in the book he says that we need to let go of the “goal oriented approach” because it’s not about acquiring a skill, it’s about spending time with God.
Ephesians 4:1-3 (the message)
In light of all this, here’s what I want you to do. While I’m locked up here, a prisoner for the master, I want you to get out there and walk--better yet, run!--on the road God called you to travel. I don’t want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don’t want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline--not with fits and starts, but steadily pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences.
Sigh. I really felt this passage in light of my recent mindset. I made lists of things I want to do in this life, goals I have, a road I feel is laid out before me. I have decided to be more mindful and intentional in how I spend my time. And I have been disciplined in many more things, like practicing and writing and reading and taking time for myself and praying and meditating etc. I just feel compelled to really be disciplined and make these practices last. To get better at them. To live purposefully and connectedly to God and those around me.
Key words I guess would be: “humility and discipline”
Tuesday February 16, 2010
“Our hearts are made for you, O Lord, and they will not rest until they rest in you.”
Lectio Divina
take the sacred text and call upon the holy spirit
for five minutes (or longer if you feel drawn) listen to the Lord speaking to you through the text, and respond
choose a word or phrase (perhaps one will have been “given” to you), and thank the Lord for being with you
rest/sit in the presence
you can use the phrase as your “word” in centering prayer
goal is to cultivate the “ears of the heart”
It’s funny because in the book he says that we need to let go of the “goal oriented approach” because it’s not about acquiring a skill, it’s about spending time with God.
Ephesians 4:1-3 (the message)
In light of all this, here’s what I want you to do. While I’m locked up here, a prisoner for the master, I want you to get out there and walk--better yet, run!--on the road God called you to travel. I don’t want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don’t want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline--not with fits and starts, but steadily pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences.
Sigh. I really felt this passage in light of my recent mindset. I made lists of things I want to do in this life, goals I have, a road I feel is laid out before me. I have decided to be more mindful and intentional in how I spend my time. And I have been disciplined in many more things, like practicing and writing and reading and taking time for myself and praying and meditating etc. I just feel compelled to really be disciplined and make these practices last. To get better at them. To live purposefully and connectedly to God and those around me.
Key words I guess would be: “humility and discipline”
Home at last and back to challenge soon
An Invitation to Centering Prayer --M. Basil Pennington
Monday February 15, 2010
From the time we are born we start to develop a sense of self. We learn to act in certain ways to get what we want. We learn we can make people happy or sad depending on our actions. We learn if we are good rewards are forthcoming. We become what we have, what we can do, what others think of us. And this is a false sense of self, but it’s all most of us have or get to. And we get competitive.
I think in some ways that I am above or beyond all this. That I understand my immeasurable worth and value, which God has placed in me and no one and no experience can truly tarnish or touch or ruin that part of me. I like to think I’m becoming or being reborn and recreated continually and each time getting closer and closer to these truths and understanding them in more intimate ways.
I think I know how or am learning how dwell in God’s creative love. I like to think that I am living from my center more and more, from a place where I need very little, where I am full, very full and satiated with God’s love. And I don’t have to get hung up on or worried about what others think. Their opinions pale in comparison to what God thinks anyway.
I want to be this person. In some ways I think I am... In other ways, I’m realizing now, I am not there at all. In so many ways I am still trying to earn, deserve, be worthy of love, friendship, intimacy, admiration, etc. based on what I do, how I behave, what I have to offer.
How do I get there? I want to be there so badly. The rest! The peace! The love...
Centering Prayer? (worth a try anyway)
Simple instructions from the book:
sit relaxed and quiet
1-be in faith and love to God, who dwells in the centre of your being
2 -take up a love word and let it be gently present, supporting your being to God in faith filled love
3 -whenever you become aware of anything else, simply, gently return to the Lord with the use of your prayer word
at the end of your prayer time, let the Lord’s prayer or some other prayer pray itself from the centre of your being
Monday February 15, 2010
From the time we are born we start to develop a sense of self. We learn to act in certain ways to get what we want. We learn we can make people happy or sad depending on our actions. We learn if we are good rewards are forthcoming. We become what we have, what we can do, what others think of us. And this is a false sense of self, but it’s all most of us have or get to. And we get competitive.
I think in some ways that I am above or beyond all this. That I understand my immeasurable worth and value, which God has placed in me and no one and no experience can truly tarnish or touch or ruin that part of me. I like to think I’m becoming or being reborn and recreated continually and each time getting closer and closer to these truths and understanding them in more intimate ways.
I think I know how or am learning how dwell in God’s creative love. I like to think that I am living from my center more and more, from a place where I need very little, where I am full, very full and satiated with God’s love. And I don’t have to get hung up on or worried about what others think. Their opinions pale in comparison to what God thinks anyway.
I want to be this person. In some ways I think I am... In other ways, I’m realizing now, I am not there at all. In so many ways I am still trying to earn, deserve, be worthy of love, friendship, intimacy, admiration, etc. based on what I do, how I behave, what I have to offer.
How do I get there? I want to be there so badly. The rest! The peace! The love...
Centering Prayer? (worth a try anyway)
Simple instructions from the book:
sit relaxed and quiet
1-be in faith and love to God, who dwells in the centre of your being
2 -take up a love word and let it be gently present, supporting your being to God in faith filled love
3 -whenever you become aware of anything else, simply, gently return to the Lord with the use of your prayer word
at the end of your prayer time, let the Lord’s prayer or some other prayer pray itself from the centre of your being
Monday, February 15, 2010
Still in Vermont
Out of Solitude Henry Nouwen
Sunday February 14, 2010
Reflect on lonely places. With Care. In expectation.
Expectation. Hope. In the lonely places, when I sit with others or with myself... Eventually, I am confronted by hope. A lot of people think hope is silly. But I don’t. I love hope. It is like oxygen when you are drowning. All hope is is believing something that isn’t there yet will be there, one day. Or, believing things will change, even though, as yet, they have not changed. I am expecting everything to get better. I am longing for it. I am praying for it.
Sunday February 14, 2010
Reflect on lonely places. With Care. In expectation.
Expectation. Hope. In the lonely places, when I sit with others or with myself... Eventually, I am confronted by hope. A lot of people think hope is silly. But I don’t. I love hope. It is like oxygen when you are drowning. All hope is is believing something that isn’t there yet will be there, one day. Or, believing things will change, even though, as yet, they have not changed. I am expecting everything to get better. I am longing for it. I am praying for it.
SNOWBOARDING
Out of Solitude Henry Nouwen
Saturday February 13, 2010
Reflect on lonely places. With Care.
Jesus tries to retreat to a solitary place with his disciples in a boat. Crowds and hoards of people learn where he is going and get there on foot, ahead of him, waiting for him. Instead of pursuing solitude, he has compassion and teaches them, feeds them, cares for them.
I hold my solitude the same way. I try to make it a daily practice but do so with flexibility. Sometimes I am in the hospital with others, or someone need for me or care or something I can do, is far greater than my need to retreat.
To care, he says come from the root word kara which means lament. The basic meaning of care, he says is: “to grieve, to experience sorrow, to cry out with.”
It is definitely not a natural tendency to do those things. Usually we want to run away from painful realities or change them as soon as possible. But this makes us impatient and unwilling to share each others burdens.
I have seen this in my own life. It has been a far more powerful experience to have someone sit with me in my suffering/sadness and cry/feel with me than being with someone who just tells me to suck it up or get over it... or more gently just tries to fast-forward past the grief and make me laugh/smile.
The most beautiful experience of my life happen with both people or a group of people all lay down their heavy self-protective armor and come together in mutual vulnerability. And right away we are confronted not by our differences, but by our sameness... And there isn’t an attempt to take the pain away or to mask it, but rather to share it--to bear it together.
“As long as we are occupied and preoccupied with our desire to do good but are not able to feel the crying need of those who suffer, our help remains hanging somewhere between our minds and our hands and does not descend into the heart where we can care.”
I spent half an hour doing a mindfulness meditation Dr. Yeung made and gave me. What I realized in doing the practice (although, I’m not very good at it yet) is that it is in solitude where my heart learns of itself, and learns to take off the many protective layers (which have sometimes concealed my own hurt from myself) and grow deeper and wider. So that it will be able to hold, partner in, sit with any human suffering or in pain or in need of care.
Saturday February 13, 2010
Reflect on lonely places. With Care.
Jesus tries to retreat to a solitary place with his disciples in a boat. Crowds and hoards of people learn where he is going and get there on foot, ahead of him, waiting for him. Instead of pursuing solitude, he has compassion and teaches them, feeds them, cares for them.
I hold my solitude the same way. I try to make it a daily practice but do so with flexibility. Sometimes I am in the hospital with others, or someone need for me or care or something I can do, is far greater than my need to retreat.
To care, he says come from the root word kara which means lament. The basic meaning of care, he says is: “to grieve, to experience sorrow, to cry out with.”
It is definitely not a natural tendency to do those things. Usually we want to run away from painful realities or change them as soon as possible. But this makes us impatient and unwilling to share each others burdens.
I have seen this in my own life. It has been a far more powerful experience to have someone sit with me in my suffering/sadness and cry/feel with me than being with someone who just tells me to suck it up or get over it... or more gently just tries to fast-forward past the grief and make me laugh/smile.
The most beautiful experience of my life happen with both people or a group of people all lay down their heavy self-protective armor and come together in mutual vulnerability. And right away we are confronted not by our differences, but by our sameness... And there isn’t an attempt to take the pain away or to mask it, but rather to share it--to bear it together.
“As long as we are occupied and preoccupied with our desire to do good but are not able to feel the crying need of those who suffer, our help remains hanging somewhere between our minds and our hands and does not descend into the heart where we can care.”
I spent half an hour doing a mindfulness meditation Dr. Yeung made and gave me. What I realized in doing the practice (although, I’m not very good at it yet) is that it is in solitude where my heart learns of itself, and learns to take off the many protective layers (which have sometimes concealed my own hurt from myself) and grow deeper and wider. So that it will be able to hold, partner in, sit with any human suffering or in pain or in need of care.
Snowboarding trip... No internet, so instead...
Out of Solitude Henry Nouwen
Friday February 12, 2010
Reflect on lonely places.
I am aware that without solitude my very life is in danger. I need silence so words don’t loose their meaning and I need listen, so when I speak my words can bring healing, I need distance so I can revel in closeness. I crave solitude. I like wide open spaces. I like time to reflect and write and read and I start to feel crazy if I don’t get it. I need to get out into nature. I need trips. I need get away. I always feel more centered after a weekend at the farm or at Algonquin.
What I also find, is if I don’t get my space, if I don’t make time to steel away to a lonely place and pray, I don’t like who I become. I am less able to care for others well. I become increasingly needy and demanding. I start to keep track or score or things I’m doing and whether others are doing likewise for me. I don’t do these things intensionally. They just start creeping into my life.
In the stillness of solitude answers come. Feelings are set free. Realizations happen. Growth happens. Sheer unadulterated honesty with myself happens, sometimes at least. It reminds me that being is much more important than doing, although I remain motivated. It reminds me that being is more important than having. And I know, despite my recent lists and motivation to live with purpose and intension that I am worth so much more than the results of my efforts.
Friday February 12, 2010
Reflect on lonely places.
I am aware that without solitude my very life is in danger. I need silence so words don’t loose their meaning and I need listen, so when I speak my words can bring healing, I need distance so I can revel in closeness. I crave solitude. I like wide open spaces. I like time to reflect and write and read and I start to feel crazy if I don’t get it. I need to get out into nature. I need trips. I need get away. I always feel more centered after a weekend at the farm or at Algonquin.
What I also find, is if I don’t get my space, if I don’t make time to steel away to a lonely place and pray, I don’t like who I become. I am less able to care for others well. I become increasingly needy and demanding. I start to keep track or score or things I’m doing and whether others are doing likewise for me. I don’t do these things intensionally. They just start creeping into my life.
In the stillness of solitude answers come. Feelings are set free. Realizations happen. Growth happens. Sheer unadulterated honesty with myself happens, sometimes at least. It reminds me that being is much more important than doing, although I remain motivated. It reminds me that being is more important than having. And I know, despite my recent lists and motivation to live with purpose and intension that I am worth so much more than the results of my efforts.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Day 13: What is real to you?
What is real to you? What have you accepted as real?
He said this could indicate the truth you believe or a lie that you believe, but we will get to that later. Try to see those things that you have accepted as real. For example, sadness is a partial reality, but some people embrace it totally. He goes on to say that for some marriage has become a pain and for other a pleasure. What is real for me?
Sadly, CANCER. I want to will it not to be so.
LOVE.
PARTNERSHIP.
GRACE.
FRIENDSHIP.
FAMILY.
SPIRIT.
JESUS.
He said this could indicate the truth you believe or a lie that you believe, but we will get to that later. Try to see those things that you have accepted as real. For example, sadness is a partial reality, but some people embrace it totally. He goes on to say that for some marriage has become a pain and for other a pleasure. What is real for me?
Sadly, CANCER. I want to will it not to be so.
LOVE.
PARTNERSHIP.
GRACE.
FRIENDSHIP.
FAMILY.
SPIRIT.
JESUS.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Day 12: What is your real question?
What is your real question about your life?
He says if you skip this part, you live in a very non-engaged and unfulfilling way. And that every body has a question.
I know my question. I just don't have words for it. I've been aware of it my entire life. It has always been with me. I've been trying to find inroads to it with Dr. Yeung (psychotherapist) for years. Trying and yet not trying. Because the times I get close to it, it's almost too much to bear. It's like I want to know, but I don't want to know... Or I know, and I don't want to be confronted by how much I still have no idea how to answer the question...
Either way. It's an uncomfortable process.
Some people want to know what their purpose is. But, I know I'm supposed to love. Love myself, God, others... and invest in people. Build relationships. These are the things that matter, the things that last....
I know this truth so deeply.
More than I can convey in words.
My question, is more along the lines of what do I do or how do I do it.... I know it involves those things, but what am I supposed to create, what is my personal legend...??
He says if you skip this part, you live in a very non-engaged and unfulfilling way. And that every body has a question.
I know my question. I just don't have words for it. I've been aware of it my entire life. It has always been with me. I've been trying to find inroads to it with Dr. Yeung (psychotherapist) for years. Trying and yet not trying. Because the times I get close to it, it's almost too much to bear. It's like I want to know, but I don't want to know... Or I know, and I don't want to be confronted by how much I still have no idea how to answer the question...
Either way. It's an uncomfortable process.
Some people want to know what their purpose is. But, I know I'm supposed to love. Love myself, God, others... and invest in people. Build relationships. These are the things that matter, the things that last....
I know this truth so deeply.
More than I can convey in words.
My question, is more along the lines of what do I do or how do I do it.... I know it involves those things, but what am I supposed to create, what is my personal legend...??
Monday, February 8, 2010
Day 11: What are you changing?
What are you changing? What are the changes you are bringing into your life and into others lives, just by being you? As am I, as I do, what am I changing?
We are all participating in some kind of change. This should give you self-recognition, self-empowerment, and self responsibility.
He talks about how when you are with someone else, are you changing them to be more happy, more fulfilled, or tearing them down. And with nature, he mentions are we helping our environment (both literally and figuratively) bloom or whither?
I feel dynamic. I feel in a constant state of flux and change. I am very aware of the ways I am trying to recreate myself (particularly wellness)... I am aware of the things I want to do and the kind of person I want to be... The things that are important to me. But, I am less aware of how my presence impacts those around me and my environment. But it definately is something I should be aware of, more alert to, more purposeful in, maybe...
I know I impact people. I know I make a difference. I know how powerful my words are (all of our words are) to speak life or death to people. No one wants to sound self-aggrandizing but there is huge power in how we interact with others and our world. A simple smile can bring hope to a stranger... It doesn't always even require much effort.
It's definitely something I will continue to ponder.
This would be a really good question to ask a few people, although I guess that would defeat the mindfulness/self searching part of this... But I still may do it.
We are all participating in some kind of change. This should give you self-recognition, self-empowerment, and self responsibility.
He talks about how when you are with someone else, are you changing them to be more happy, more fulfilled, or tearing them down. And with nature, he mentions are we helping our environment (both literally and figuratively) bloom or whither?
I feel dynamic. I feel in a constant state of flux and change. I am very aware of the ways I am trying to recreate myself (particularly wellness)... I am aware of the things I want to do and the kind of person I want to be... The things that are important to me. But, I am less aware of how my presence impacts those around me and my environment. But it definately is something I should be aware of, more alert to, more purposeful in, maybe...
I know I impact people. I know I make a difference. I know how powerful my words are (all of our words are) to speak life or death to people. No one wants to sound self-aggrandizing but there is huge power in how we interact with others and our world. A simple smile can bring hope to a stranger... It doesn't always even require much effort.
It's definitely something I will continue to ponder.
This would be a really good question to ask a few people, although I guess that would defeat the mindfulness/self searching part of this... But I still may do it.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Day 10: What are you reforming?
What are you reforming? With every action, every thought, every reaction, what are you reforming.
In the video he says we are reformers; that we are always participating in some kind of reformation. He links the process to potentially bringing back to innocence and to healing. For me, the language is kind of weird. Like what does reformation really mean?
Right. I knew that already. Still makes me feel kind of stuck.
I understand the concept. What (or who?) am I improving, bettering, correcting? Am I an active participant in my own re-creation, in my own formation, in the formation of those around me. In what ways do I want to be reformed or recreated...???
Good questions. Answers are harder.
I am reforming my diet.
I am reforming my lifestyle.
I am reforming my training plans.
I am reforming my spirituality.
Constantly longing to be a better partner, friend, family member.
I am definitely reforming myself.
I am participating in my own reformation at the very least.
I am reforming my mind... trying to quiet it... trying to teach it to be mindful...
I am reforming my health, or maybe reforming my wellness.
I want to be part of the reformation of others.... But only in a healthy sense, where I am partnering with them in their goals/vision... rather than trying to make them something I want them to be... but rather that we are journeying side by side to our own unfoldment.
Wow, I totally sound like a hippie. I think I'm ok with that. I am finding this process of self-awareness so compelling, although difficult at times.
In the video he says we are reformers; that we are always participating in some kind of reformation. He links the process to potentially bringing back to innocence and to healing. For me, the language is kind of weird. Like what does reformation really mean?
ref⋅or⋅ma⋅tion
–noun
| 1. | the act of reforming; state of being reformed. |
| 2. | (initial capital letter ) the religious movement in the 16th century that had for its object the reform of the Roman Catholic Church, and that led to the establishment of the Protestant churches |
Synonyms:
1. improvement, betterment, correction, reform.
1. improvement, betterment, correction, reform.
re-form
–verb (used with object), verb (used without object)
| to form again. |
Right. I knew that already. Still makes me feel kind of stuck.
I understand the concept. What (or who?) am I improving, bettering, correcting? Am I an active participant in my own re-creation, in my own formation, in the formation of those around me. In what ways do I want to be reformed or recreated...???
Good questions. Answers are harder.
I am reforming my diet.
I am reforming my lifestyle.
I am reforming my training plans.
I am reforming my spirituality.
Constantly longing to be a better partner, friend, family member.
I am definitely reforming myself.
I am participating in my own reformation at the very least.
I am reforming my mind... trying to quiet it... trying to teach it to be mindful...
I am reforming my health, or maybe reforming my wellness.
I want to be part of the reformation of others.... But only in a healthy sense, where I am partnering with them in their goals/vision... rather than trying to make them something I want them to be... but rather that we are journeying side by side to our own unfoldment.
Wow, I totally sound like a hippie. I think I'm ok with that. I am finding this process of self-awareness so compelling, although difficult at times.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Day 9: What do I celebrate?
What do you celebrate? (To what is your energy given?)
I celebrate
Love
Friendship
Music
Creativity
Connection
Family
Hope
God
Jesus
Nature
Healing
Music
Beauty
Expression
Conversation
Understanding
Wisdom
Learning
Growth
Jiu Jitsu
Life
I celebrate
Love
Friendship
Music
Creativity
Connection
Family
Hope
God
Jesus
Nature
Healing
Music
Beauty
Expression
Conversation
Understanding
Wisdom
Learning
Growth
Jiu Jitsu
Life
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Day 8: Where is your light shining?
Where are you shining your light? What is it shining towards? Where are you shining the light of your consciousness towards?
It's like driving rural roads at night with your high beams on at night, all you can see is what the light illuminates. In the video he says: "if you shine your light towards problems, you only see problems, if you shine your light towards solutions you only see solutions..."
It's an interesting concept. I like the sound of it. It sounds "out there" or "hippy" or something... but it makes sense. It's like what you invest in, focus on, put your energies too ends up constructing your world.
And I know for myself it's so easy to get caught up in everything that's wrong, all the ways that my life isn't what I dreamed or hoped or imagined.
But right now my light is shining on solutions. Options. Hope. HOPE... that's a start.
It's like driving rural roads at night with your high beams on at night, all you can see is what the light illuminates. In the video he says: "if you shine your light towards problems, you only see problems, if you shine your light towards solutions you only see solutions..."
It's an interesting concept. I like the sound of it. It sounds "out there" or "hippy" or something... but it makes sense. It's like what you invest in, focus on, put your energies too ends up constructing your world.
And I know for myself it's so easy to get caught up in everything that's wrong, all the ways that my life isn't what I dreamed or hoped or imagined.
But right now my light is shining on solutions. Options. Hope. HOPE... that's a start.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Day 7: Where is your love flowing?
Where is your love flowing? Where is your energy flowing?
Watch your fantasies, dreams, desires.... What do you admire, what are you attracted to?
My love right now is flowing to my cousins in Korea and I want to be there so badly.
My love is flowing towards my partner. Constantly. Incessantly.
I'm at chemo right now and my love is flowing towards the nurses.
And I just want to get better... which means my love is flowing towards myself too. I have been investing more in myself and taking time for myself. I think this is healthy. It's put things into balance for me.
My love is flowing towards music, practicing, composing, writing, being in a band.
My love is stagnating a bit in terms of jiu jitsu. I'm learning that in loving myself and allowing myself to heal I will occasionally need to step back from jiu jitsu.
My love is flowing to my brother who just had surgery. And to my sister, their son, my whole family.
My love is always flowing towards Ronnie and Eerika and my other friends.
My love is flowing towards my parents
My love is flowing to my new online friends (so incredibly great).
Watch your fantasies, dreams, desires.... What do you admire, what are you attracted to?
My love right now is flowing to my cousins in Korea and I want to be there so badly.
My love is flowing towards my partner. Constantly. Incessantly.
I'm at chemo right now and my love is flowing towards the nurses.
And I just want to get better... which means my love is flowing towards myself too. I have been investing more in myself and taking time for myself. I think this is healthy. It's put things into balance for me.
My love is flowing towards music, practicing, composing, writing, being in a band.
My love is stagnating a bit in terms of jiu jitsu. I'm learning that in loving myself and allowing myself to heal I will occasionally need to step back from jiu jitsu.
My love is flowing to my brother who just had surgery. And to my sister, their son, my whole family.
My love is always flowing towards Ronnie and Eerika and my other friends.
My love is flowing towards my parents
My love is flowing to my new online friends (so incredibly great).
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Day 6: Who do you really want to be?
What do I really want to be? Who do you want to be? To yourself? To others?
Then figure out, have you been that to yourself and other?
He mentions in the video that sometimes we accidentally become someone else. What he means, I think, is that without some sort of attention/plan/focus/awareness of what we want to be, who we are trying to become... we will become an accidental creature of sorts. We will become something, no doubt, but what?? And by whose design?
I want to be purposeful, attentive, self-aware. I want to be part of my own unfolding, I want to be part of the on-going creation of me. I want to be intentional in the kind of person I am being and intentional in the kind of person I am becoming. (Wow, we are in serious hippy territory here...)
What do I really want to be? Who do I want to be?
a mom comes to mind
a wife/partner
a family
a good friend (trustworthy, attentive, solid, dependable)
an unconditional lover
a want to be more of a "feeler" than a "thinker"
i want to be a jiu jitsu world champion
i want to be healthy
i want to allow myself to say no, and be weak or demanding from time to time
self aware
i want to carry myself with the comfortable confidence of someone who is comfortable in their own skin
What I am I actually being?
a partner
trying to be less conditional
definitely a thinker and not a feeler
affected by cancer
not so confident, not so comfortable
But I feel dynamic. I feel like I am moving. I am becoming. And this is helping me become mindful of the process and participate in it.
Then figure out, have you been that to yourself and other?
He mentions in the video that sometimes we accidentally become someone else. What he means, I think, is that without some sort of attention/plan/focus/awareness of what we want to be, who we are trying to become... we will become an accidental creature of sorts. We will become something, no doubt, but what?? And by whose design?
I want to be purposeful, attentive, self-aware. I want to be part of my own unfolding, I want to be part of the on-going creation of me. I want to be intentional in the kind of person I am being and intentional in the kind of person I am becoming. (Wow, we are in serious hippy territory here...)
What do I really want to be? Who do I want to be?
a mom comes to mind
a wife/partner
a family
a good friend (trustworthy, attentive, solid, dependable)
an unconditional lover
a want to be more of a "feeler" than a "thinker"
i want to be a jiu jitsu world champion
i want to be healthy
i want to allow myself to say no, and be weak or demanding from time to time
self aware
i want to carry myself with the comfortable confidence of someone who is comfortable in their own skin
What I am I actually being?
a partner
trying to be less conditional
definitely a thinker and not a feeler
affected by cancer
not so confident, not so comfortable
But I feel dynamic. I feel like I am moving. I am becoming. And this is helping me become mindful of the process and participate in it.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Day 5: Who am I?
Who are you?
Who am I? to myself? to another? to society at large?
I am I fighter.
I am a lover.
I am a hoper.
I am a dreamer.
I am a scientist.
I am revolutionary.
I am a comforter.
I am a friend.
I am an optimist.
I am an artist.
I am a dancer.
I am a writer.
I am spontaneous.
I am an organizer.
I am a thinker.
I am determined.
I am a partner.
I am purposeful.
I am alive.
Who am I? to myself? to another? to society at large?
I am I fighter.
I am a lover.
I am a hoper.
I am a dreamer.
I am a scientist.
I am revolutionary.
I am a comforter.
I am a friend.
I am an optimist.
I am an artist.
I am a dancer.
I am a writer.
I am spontaneous.
I am an organizer.
I am a thinker.
I am determined.
I am a partner.
I am purposeful.
I am alive.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Day 4: Who am I, truthfully?
What is the truth you are living? What is the truth you are facing? What is the truth of you?
What is my truth? Who am I, truthfully?
When I ponder these questions I wonder, at first, where is the best place to start. Like what is it that defines me at the core? Is it cancer, is it jiu jitsu, is it Jesus, is it my choices, my character, the things that make up the darkness I possess?
It can't be something as random as cancer, although having this illness has shaped me in so many ways. It's not that I'm an athlete. It's not just that I want to be like Jesus and walk my life with him. It is more than the sum of my choices and the formation of my character.
I am me. I am more than my body, my external shell. I am complex and a bundle of contradiction and mystery. I am still being made. I am being re-created. I am changing and evolving and growing, on a daily basis.
Right now, at this present moment, I am comfortable being me. I am aware of so many failings, but I accept them and give myself time and space to grow. I am "on route" somewhere. That is one of the biggest truths about myself that I am aware of. There is a plan, and I am walking down the road before me as best as I can. The destination is still somewhat elusive, but I feel purposeful and inspired and determined.
What is my truth? Who am I, truthfully?
When I ponder these questions I wonder, at first, where is the best place to start. Like what is it that defines me at the core? Is it cancer, is it jiu jitsu, is it Jesus, is it my choices, my character, the things that make up the darkness I possess?
It can't be something as random as cancer, although having this illness has shaped me in so many ways. It's not that I'm an athlete. It's not just that I want to be like Jesus and walk my life with him. It is more than the sum of my choices and the formation of my character.
I am me. I am more than my body, my external shell. I am complex and a bundle of contradiction and mystery. I am still being made. I am being re-created. I am changing and evolving and growing, on a daily basis.
Right now, at this present moment, I am comfortable being me. I am aware of so many failings, but I accept them and give myself time and space to grow. I am "on route" somewhere. That is one of the biggest truths about myself that I am aware of. There is a plan, and I am walking down the road before me as best as I can. The destination is still somewhat elusive, but I feel purposeful and inspired and determined.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Day 3: Are you participating in your own unfolding?
Are you participating in your own unfolding?
Are you participating in what you want to be?
Are you involved in the making of you?
Are you carving you into the way you want to be?
I don't want to be an accidental creation. I want to live purposefully. Intentionally.
I am participating in my own unfolding. I am definitely an active participant in my life, in my ongoing creation, my evolution. I liked today's question. Because for the first time in my life, I am carving me into who/what I want to be.
Are you participating in what you want to be?
Are you involved in the making of you?
Are you carving you into the way you want to be?
I don't want to be an accidental creation. I want to live purposefully. Intentionally.
I am participating in my own unfolding. I am definitely an active participant in my life, in my ongoing creation, my evolution. I liked today's question. Because for the first time in my life, I am carving me into who/what I want to be.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Day 2: Where are you heading? (where am I heading)
Where are you heading?
If you remain how you are where are you going to end up? If you keep doing what you are doing, what is the end result?
With every action, thought, every feeling, every intention, where are you heading?
And is that where you want to go?
Sit with the truth you come to.
Hrmph. Such interesting and illusive questions. It really pushes me to think in ways I don't normally think and think about things I usually avoid. However, since being inspired by my cousin Sarah to make a list of things to do during my life (over 100 things) I feel, for the first time in a long time, like I have purpose, focus, direction. It's not that a life can be summed up in a to-do list, but rather that it's a starting point. It sets a mental tone. There are things I want to do/accomplish and now it affects day-to-day decisions. For example, how I spend my time. I waste far less of it... because if I want to learn a language or get better at meditating or playing guitar it requires doing things...
And if there are things I want to do, plans need to be made so these things happen.
For the first time in a long time I am going somewhere. And I like where I am going. I am living the life I want to live, as much as possible, making the most of opportunities.
If you remain how you are where are you going to end up? If you keep doing what you are doing, what is the end result?
With every action, thought, every feeling, every intention, where are you heading?
And is that where you want to go?
Sit with the truth you come to.
Hrmph. Such interesting and illusive questions. It really pushes me to think in ways I don't normally think and think about things I usually avoid. However, since being inspired by my cousin Sarah to make a list of things to do during my life (over 100 things) I feel, for the first time in a long time, like I have purpose, focus, direction. It's not that a life can be summed up in a to-do list, but rather that it's a starting point. It sets a mental tone. There are things I want to do/accomplish and now it affects day-to-day decisions. For example, how I spend my time. I waste far less of it... because if I want to learn a language or get better at meditating or playing guitar it requires doing things...
And if there are things I want to do, plans need to be made so these things happen.
For the first time in a long time I am going somewhere. And I like where I am going. I am living the life I want to live, as much as possible, making the most of opportunities.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Day 1: How are you? (me?)
Most often we are caught up in how we want to be... or escaping how we are... very rarely do we examine exactly how we are doing?
How am I doing? In this moment, how am I? (be mindful of this question all day)
And in this examination, contemplate: Is this how I want to be?
Those are weird questions to contemplate. I have been thinking about these things all day. It's so easy to start thinking about what I want to do or should be doing, rather than where I actually am. It's so much easier to think about all the ways I want to be better or different, rather than just checking in with myself to see where I am at.
At this moment I am tired. I feel weary from not enough sleep. I also feel tired from carrying a partnership, what feels like single-handedly. It's not, but it makes me sad and tired. I am wondering how much long this is going to take, worried the new meds will not work, and wondering what the next steps are/what happens next. And those spill over about my own illness and next steps.
So, I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm overwhelmed. But I am also determined. I feel determined to take better care of myself and make more time for myself. I feel determined to do this 90 day challenge and excited what it might uncover/lead to. I also feel determined to live more, and better and start doing the things I want to do.
So, I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm overwhelmed. I'm determined. I'm excited.
Is this how I want to be? Well, not so much of the sad, tired, overwhelmed. But I'll take the determination and the excitement. And tonight and tomorrow I'll try to get more sleep... should help with the tired... and maybe the sad and overwhelmed too....?
How am I doing? In this moment, how am I? (be mindful of this question all day)
And in this examination, contemplate: Is this how I want to be?
Those are weird questions to contemplate. I have been thinking about these things all day. It's so easy to start thinking about what I want to do or should be doing, rather than where I actually am. It's so much easier to think about all the ways I want to be better or different, rather than just checking in with myself to see where I am at.
At this moment I am tired. I feel weary from not enough sleep. I also feel tired from carrying a partnership, what feels like single-handedly. It's not, but it makes me sad and tired. I am wondering how much long this is going to take, worried the new meds will not work, and wondering what the next steps are/what happens next. And those spill over about my own illness and next steps.
So, I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm overwhelmed. But I am also determined. I feel determined to take better care of myself and make more time for myself. I feel determined to do this 90 day challenge and excited what it might uncover/lead to. I also feel determined to live more, and better and start doing the things I want to do.
So, I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm overwhelmed. I'm determined. I'm excited.
Is this how I want to be? Well, not so much of the sad, tired, overwhelmed. But I'll take the determination and the excitement. And tonight and tomorrow I'll try to get more sleep... should help with the tired... and maybe the sad and overwhelmed too....?
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