Day 19: How do I escape who I can really be?

How do I escape who I can really be? Who I really am? How do I escape really being me?

He says people are generally not truly them, they are somebody else, maybe that is why there is so much misery. Because when we are ourselves there is joy, creativity, success... one's glory is reached inevitably.

This is a similar question to the previous one. On some level I think we all know who we are. We all have this sense that we were created for something more, or that there is some special, unique, and even a great purpose to (or for) our lives. At the same time, for me at least, it seems that we are also paralyzed by fear, the fear of failing, the fear or being rejected, the fear of making a mistake in thinking we are supposed to be more... and more than that, that it's not so much BEING more as just resting or settling in, or becoming comfortable and assured in the fact that we ARE more.

I shy away from showcasing the real me all of the time. Mostly, I think, I am scared of rejection/abandonment/disapproval. I think I am also afraid to fail... I have all these goals and aspirations and for the most part, in some way, I find my self half-assing the effort in some small way. It's almost like, that way, if it doesn't pan out, I didn't give my whole self.

If the relationship doesn't pan out well, if I don't end up completely overcoming cancer, if I am not crowned a world champion in jiu jitus, if i don't write and share and make music or art that changes people or promotes their growth/freedom, if this friendship isn't all it can be, if i'm not the best sister, daughter, family member... if I don't live up to this expectation or that expectation... in some small corner of my mind it's not so bad because I didn't give all of me. I held something back. And not just something, but the very best of part... my true self.

I know this sounds like a bunch of hippy nonsense. But deep inside I know it's true.

I am afraid to fail. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being abandoned. I am afraid of disappointing people. I am afraid of being weak. I am afraid to really put my whole self out there.

So I hide, I escape by holding back.