Day 34: Contemplate the word sorrow

When joy is missing, sorrow is present. What is sorrow? (Usually very old pain that has been kept alive, that you can't get rid of). What is your relationship with sorrow? How do you house it, how you keep it, how you contribute to it, how do you form a deep union with it?

They day you make the decision not to be in sorrow, you step into joy.

As I mentioned in the last post. I have chosen to live in joy. I have been choosing that for me lately.

I have let sorrow go. Not that there is no place for it. But it is not something I am attached to. It is not something I am housing, or feeding, or contributing to, or binding myself to. I am letting go. I have let it go.

Day 33: Have you lived joyfully?

Have you lived joyfully? (Joy can only happen when you fully commit yourself to your decisions, when there is oneness). If you haven't committed to anything, or surrendered to anything you can't live in joy. Are you ready to live in joy?

It's funny that this question comes up because lately I have decided that I am going to choose to live in joy and peace. I keep meditating on it. And when things come up and I could get upset (often unnecessarily) I say to myself I am choosing to live and joy and peace.

I even feel that joy and peace and even a cheerful optimism are becoming my new modes of being. It's not to say that nothing is hard, or things aren't difficult or sad sometimes. But I choose not to dwell in those places.

One of my favorite authors argues that every one wants joy, but the reason we don't get joy all the time is because joy doesn't change us. It doesn't help us grow, it doesn't challenge us, it doesn't require anything of us. In fact, he says, it might even detract us from deeper things or pursuits like god and truth.

And I think that is true. Life can't be one rainbow colored smoothie of joy. But here, I am not talking about joy based so synergistically on events/circumstances etc. I think you can find or choose joy even in the hard things, even in the mundane.

One of my favorite quotes says it best:

“Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself.” Mahatma Gandhi

Day 32: Have you exercised the ability to make a decision and die to that choice?

Decisions=when you have decided to die towards a direction. Therefore, no turning back.

What decision have I died to?

To survive. To beat cancer. To live and love in wholeness and wellness.

Day 31: How does your love move you?

Living in celebration=allowing your love to move you (not your hate, pain, sorrow, anxiety etc.)

I wish love was the motivation behind everything I do. I know it's the motivation behind much of what I do, but not all. Sometimes hatred still rears it's ugly head, or jealousy, or fear... and it's these things that move me.

I am learning to love myself more. And to let that motivate me, my desire for self-improvement, my desire for well-being, my desire for wholeness... Rather than being motivated by my desire not to disappoint people, or to survive for them, or because I don't want to be abandoned.

I am going to be much more mindful of how love moves (or doesn't move me) and try to just allow it to saturate everything I do.

Day 30: What is the degree of self-lies you exist in? And how can you free yourself from this self deception?

Contemplate on self-lies. Humans are the only creatures who can do this. Why can't we see what is? Because we believe that we cannot deal with the truth.

Pay attention to all the facts in your life that you have avoided.

This is a hard one. Because part of me thinks, do I really want to dig deep into this question. What if I like my self-deception, what if my delusions make getting through life easier?

Sigh. This is s tricky one in the face of cancer, where belief can have such an impact, so what do you do?? Continue to believe and hope or do you just start looking at the raw data??

Maybe that's not the kind of self-lies he's talking about. Maybe it's something deeper, something less tangible and more psyche related.

Either way, I know possibly have some self deceptions, but mostly they are beliefs in things that will happen/are happening... like beating cancer or winning worlds or growing or chaning in one way or another. And I'm keeping those for now.

Day 29: Are you in oneness or are you divided?

Am I in oneness? Am I one? Or am I split? Is the conflict I am experiencing because I am split? Is the strength I am experiencing because I am one? Mind, heart, being, should be operating as one.

This is an interesting question. It's something I've been working on recently with Dr. Yeung also. It started out with me feeling like I was always "on" for everyone. I was being strong, a fighter, always positive, not letting things get me down, not admitting weakness. I was telling him that there was a part of me that wanted to be weak, that wanted to be held, that wanted to be scared and sad and freak out. But, that I kept denying that part.

So we worked to give that part a voice. And I realize that it wasn't like there were 2 parts of me, there was really one, but I had just completely shut off an aspect of myself. And now we are trying to unify mind, body, spirit; so that there is a oneness, a synergy. In recent sessions with Dr. Yeung, we do a meditative kind of practice and I really feel as though I have to come to my "true self".

In these times I feel really at peace. All striving stops. And I can just be and live and love. There are no worries. There is faith. And there is a gentle confidence that trust in myself and in god that what I am is enough, and I am where I am supposed to be, and that I am becoming, but I don't have to try to get there. It's like an unfolding. I just have to be present and allow it to happen.

It doesn't usually last for too long. But I want to learn how to live from that place. That place of synergy between mind body spirit, that place of unity, that place of peaceful optimism. That is what I am working on now.

Day 28: What is the difference between control and mastery

What is the difference between control and mastery? What are you trying to keep in control in your life? How many things do you really have mastery over? As long as control is there, misery is there. When mastery is there, love and celebration are there. For control you need power. For mastery all you need is love. Is your life being born out of control or mastery?


I feel completely out of control of so many aspects of my life. And generally, I dislike that feeling very much. Even the few things I think I have control over, in the I don't--or if I do, it's not satisfying... And he's right, it is misery inducing.

I am trying to learn to just be. It's almost like when you fight for control, you never get it. But if you surrender, or something, then things seem to come a little bit easier.

Maybe that is what mastery is. Surrendering to love.

Day 27: What is your relationship with your past?

What is your entanglement with your past? How is your past ruling you right now? Does it keep infecting you? Is your past determining your present and your future.

The person of clarity does not allow his past to influence his present. He is free to create the future he wants to create.

This clarity can help you become free of your past and be in the present moment and create a new future.

I am breaking free from it. I am learning to let go of it. I am taking what I have learned and all the love and care I've ever received and letting the rest drift away. Sometimes I pictures myself in an ocean that washes it all away and it's lost in a sea so big--that there's no way to get it back once you let it go.

The ways the past is still ruling me is in my insecurities... The things I've suffered in my past, the ways I've been hurt have left scars of sorts that seem to cripple me in various ways. Sometimes I am crippled from sharing or being vulnerable, sometimes from trusting someone else, sometimes from standing up for myself--for what I want or don't want--from sharing my real opinions. I have a fear of abandonment.

I want to create a new future where my past doesn't keep me tethered to hurt and pain, to wounds that the people I am with now didn't cause and had nothing to do with. I want to be free.

Day 26: What is the vision you are living?

What is the vision you are living? What is the vision you have been participating in. Life becomes boring when you lose your vision. We have to be very conscious of our vision.

If you plant a rose bush, you have a vision of seeing roses....

Life does become boring without a clear purpose or vision.

Where there is no vision, the people perish.
Proverbs 29:18

My vision is my life is for wholeness and wellness, for living to the full, for loving with abandon, for having fulfilling and deeply satisfying and connected relationships, for peace, for joy.

Day 25: What is the possibility to see for yourself and another?

What is the possibility you see for yourself and in another? If you can't see the possibility in you, you can't see it in another.

Living in love. Wholeness. Wellness. A better world. Meaningful life. Deeper connection. Fun. Play. Fulfillment. Enlightenment. Success. Song. Art. Beauty.

I have always looked at others with what I feel are special eyes. I have even commented to people that I don't often see people just as they are presently, but as they could be. I see potential in everyone. Sometimes achingly so, when people are living so drastically differently then I know they are capable of.

“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.” Audrey Hepburn

Day 24: What result do I want to see in my life?

What result do you want to see in your life? It you can't see it you are not going to experience it.

The one who achieves this is the one who is clear on what he wants.


Wholeness. Perfect health. Love. Deep connection. 60-year long partnership. Family. Children. Home. Jiu Jitsu black belt. Spirituality. Meaningful and fun work. Abundance. Joy. Peace. Music. Creation. Creativity. Expression. Freedom. Justice. Empowerment. Hope. Intimacy. Vulnerability. Openness. Continual unfolding. Truth. Miracles.

Day 23: What have I been doing all this while?

What have I been doing all this while? And why? (Because if you have not focused in the past, there is no guarantee you will focus in the future).

I've been doing some hiding. Placating people. Doing what I think people want to please them. Acquiescing way too often. I've been doing some posturing. To put a "good" face forward. I haven't stood up for myself much at all. I've been saying "yes" or "sure" when I want to say no... I guess because I don't want to upset people, or I don't want them to get tired of me, or leave. I've been silent on my own needs and desires. (And still am). I find the words make it to my mouth, but they get stuck on my tongue. I don't know why. If I can't do something for someone, or be somewhere for someone, I make sure I explain fully all the other things that I need to do that prevent me from doing what they need or want....

Sometime I had behind my illness or it's effects. It's gotten me out of bad situations before. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't need it. I don't want it. It has not purpose in my life anymore.

Day 22: What do I really want to do?

What do I really want to do? (Most often we react out of stress, pain, fear... but take a moment to think, and contemplate).

It is a question to the whole being.

LIVE!

Heal

Love

Create

Nurture

Teach

GROW

Learn

BECOME

Let go and move on

Research

Inquire

Write

MUSIC

Jiu jitsu

Empower

Inspire

MAKE A DIFFERENCE

Stand up for myself and others

Reflections from Dr. Ellerbroek

"It is my primary belief that we were sold a big bill of goods when we were little. We were taught that under certain circumstances it is appropriate to be angry, and that under all circumstances it is appropriate to be depressed. I'm here to say that in my own personal, solitary opinion--and totally contrary to the beleifs of almost all the psychiatrists I know--I believe that anger and depression are pathological emotions, that they are immediately responsible for the vase majority of human ills, including cancer. I have collected 57 extremely well documented so-called cancer miracles. A cancer miracle is when a person didn't die when they absolutely, positively were supposed to. At a certain particular moment in time they decided that the anger and the depression were probably not the best way to go, since they had such a little bit of time left, and so they went from that to being loving, caring, no longer angry, no longer depressed, and able to talk to the people they loved. These 57 people had the same pattern. They gave up, totally, their anger, and they gave up, totally, their depression, by specifically a decision to do so. At that point, the tumors started to shrink."

Today is the day. T-minus 1 hour until tumor shrinkage begins!

from There is a rainbow behind every dark cloud

"In summary, we think that your mind can do anything. You can learn to control your mind and decide to be happy "inside" with a smiling heart, in spite of what happens to you on the "outside".
Whether you are sick or well, when you give help and love to others, it makes you fell warm and peaceful inside. We learned that, when you give love, you receive it at the same time.
And letting go of the past and forgiving everyone and everything sure helps you not be afraid.
Remember that you are love. So let your love expand, and love yourself and everyone. When you love and really feel joined with everyone, everything, and with God, you can feel happy and safe inside.
And don't forget, when you have total Faith that we are always connected to each other in love, you will surely find a rainbow on the other side of any dark cloud."

I want to love like this. I want to be free like this. I want to love, and them love more. I want to let go of every anger and bitterness and just extend as much love as I can. I want to know real peace. I know there are things I need to get ride of in my "psyche"...

It's time to do the hard work to expose all the darkness to light and really forgive, really release the anger once and for all, really set bitterness down and walk away...

Day 21: What do you stand up for?

What do you stand up for? Human rights? Love? Truth? For another? Harmony?

The world is the way it is because enough of us have not stood up for the right things.

Finally, ask, what do you want to stand up for?

Humanity as a whole depends on each one of us making a stand.


I stand up for others, love, truth, justice, freedom, expression, creativity, individuality, my family, my friends... ideas, inquiry, exploration, self-determination, peace...

When I ponder these questions this quote comes to mind:

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

Because I know that sometimes I haven't stood up for anything at all. Sometimes I've stayed silent, looked the other way, feigned ignorance, and even taken a stand for "evil".

I remember growing up in church, this quote being thrown around:

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

And it comes to mind again now. Not so much that you'll fall for anything--not anymore. But, more so, that you're life will lack direction, meaning, purpose... If you don't take a stand. That's how I feel. Without these... convictions... life can loose it's luster, and you begin to feel ineffective, or unimportant, or as if there is nothing specific that you can do in the world. And I'm not talking about grand, historically relevant, iconic stands (like ghandi, mandella, the guy in tiananmen square)--although that would be incredible, but in every day life, in every choice you make are you standing up for love, for equality, for truth, for justice, or are you doing nothing?

Me? I make my stands. But now, that I am more mindful, I want to make more of them.

I want to stand up more for the poor and the oppressed as well.

And, I know in so many ways, I don't stand up for myself. But I want to and I am going to start to.

Day 20: How do I blame another for that which I am responsible?

How do I blame another for my responsibility?

It is like happiness is only possible when you realize it is your responsibility. If you put the responsibility onto another you can never be happy.

Success is a personal responsibility. Health is a personal responsibility.

How do you blame something outside of you for something you are responsible for?

This question is kind of painful. It is so much easier to look at everything, and everyone, other than yourself, especially when it comes to assigning blame for the bad things that happen in life.

Ugh. Like cancer. Whose fault is that? Is it Mike's? Is it random? Is it because of some deeply hidden childhood trauma? Is it God's? Who?

The answer me. It always comes back to me. I should have managed and expressed my emotions better. I should have loved myself enough to get out of a toxic environment sooner. I should have gone to the doctor sooner, more often. It's my responsibility.

Now I take that responsibility completely. Not just for my health, but for my life and my happiness and everything. I know now that it is up to me and I have to love myself enough to make me a priority. That is what I am trying to do. I don't want to make excuses for anything anymore. If I want to beat cancer, if I want to be a jiu jitsu champion, if I want to make music, if I want to be an artist, if I want to have a lasting and loving relationship, if I want to explore the world, if I want to be connected to my family-to my friends...

then

it

is

up

to

me.

ME.

It's empowering, as much as it's frightening.

Henri J. M. Nouwen

I read this in his book: The Wounded Healer and it totally hit me like a ton of bricks.

"When the imitation of Christ does not mean to live a life like Christ, but to live your life as authentically as Christ lived his, then there are many ways and forms in which a man can be a Christian."

!!

It blows my mind and makes me want to continue with this 90 day challenge (that's probably already taken 90 days...) and keep stretching and pushing myself to really live and grow and become all that I am supposed to be.

Day 19: How do I escape who I can really be?

How do I escape who I can really be? Who I really am? How do I escape really being me?

He says people are generally not truly them, they are somebody else, maybe that is why there is so much misery. Because when we are ourselves there is joy, creativity, success... one's glory is reached inevitably.

This is a similar question to the previous one. On some level I think we all know who we are. We all have this sense that we were created for something more, or that there is some special, unique, and even a great purpose to (or for) our lives. At the same time, for me at least, it seems that we are also paralyzed by fear, the fear of failing, the fear or being rejected, the fear of making a mistake in thinking we are supposed to be more... and more than that, that it's not so much BEING more as just resting or settling in, or becoming comfortable and assured in the fact that we ARE more.

I shy away from showcasing the real me all of the time. Mostly, I think, I am scared of rejection/abandonment/disapproval. I think I am also afraid to fail... I have all these goals and aspirations and for the most part, in some way, I find my self half-assing the effort in some small way. It's almost like, that way, if it doesn't pan out, I didn't give my whole self.

If the relationship doesn't pan out well, if I don't end up completely overcoming cancer, if I am not crowned a world champion in jiu jitus, if i don't write and share and make music or art that changes people or promotes their growth/freedom, if this friendship isn't all it can be, if i'm not the best sister, daughter, family member... if I don't live up to this expectation or that expectation... in some small corner of my mind it's not so bad because I didn't give all of me. I held something back. And not just something, but the very best of part... my true self.

I know this sounds like a bunch of hippy nonsense. But deep inside I know it's true.

I am afraid to fail. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being abandoned. I am afraid of disappointing people. I am afraid of being weak. I am afraid to really put my whole self out there.

So I hide, I escape by holding back.